06/30/2025
๐งฌ๐ซ ๐๐ก๐๐ง ๐๐จ๐ง๐๐ฌ ๐๐ซ๐จ๐ฌ๐ฌ ๐๐ฉ๐๐๐ข๐๐ฌ: ๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐ง๐ ๐ญ๐ก๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ฆ๐๐งโ๐๐จ๐ซ๐ฌ๐ ๐๐จ๐ง๐ง๐๐๐ญ๐ข๐จ๐ง ๐งโโ๏ธ๐ด
Saying goodbye is never easy.
This week marks two years since I hugged my heart horse for the last time. She was getting older and moving slower, but her death was unexpected. A necropsy brought no clear answers. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. In the months that followed, I did my best to carry the weight of that loss, but recently I have found comfort in unraveling the questions her absence left behind using science.
๐๐ก๐ ๐๐๐ข๐๐ง๐๐ ๐จ๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ฆ๐๐ง ๐๐ญ๐ญ๐๐๐ก๐ฆ๐๐ง๐ญ ๐ญ๐จ ๐๐ง๐ข๐ฆ๐๐ฅ๐ฌ
The attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby (1979) and originally proposed an instinctual attachment between a caregiver and a child. This theory rests on four foundational components: proximity seeking, a secure base, a safe haven, and separation distress (Levy, 2013; Shaver & Mikulincer, 2009). From an evolutionary perspective, these features ensured survival by keeping offspring close to their caregivers.
Though it originated in human psychology, this theory has since helped explain the deep relationships we form with animals. Our bonds with companion animals often fulfill emotional needs: offering unconditional love, constancy, and a nonjudgmental presence (Friedmann et al., 1980; Kruger et al., 2004). Julius et al. (2014) described the human-animal bond as a reciprocal relationship, where either the animal or the human can act as a caregiver or source of comfort, depending on the situation.
At a neurobiological level, attachment is supported by a network of brain regions and hormones that reinforce connection and caregiving. One component is oxytocin which has numerous physiological roles including promoting anti-stress (Uvnas-Moberg and Petersson, 2005) and the formation of social bonds (Marsh et al., 2021). This hormone has been shown to be released by women when standing near a horse as well as for horses when grooming or standing near a person.
๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐ ๐๐๐ญ๐๐ซ ๐๐จ๐ฌ๐ฌ
Itโs the bond we share with animals that makes the goodbye so painful.
The five stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance were proposed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kรผbler-Ross (1973). While helpful as a framework for some, these stages do not capture the full range of human experience. Grief is not linear. It is not a checklist. Many people skip stages, repeat them, or feel something else entirely.
Today, grief is more often seen as a personal, multidimensional process that reflects the uniqueness of each relationship. One podcast I recently listened to, called โThe Science and Process of Healing from Griefโ by the Huberman Lab, described grief in a way that deeply resonated with me: as the reworking of our internal, emotional map. We orient ourselves around those we love, mentally charting when weโll see them again, how far away they are, how close we feel. When we lose that connection, the brainโs attachment circuitry reacts, which can lead to intense emotional responses such as sadness and fear. The routines that once brought calm now trigger yearning. The absence of our horse becomes a neurological echo, familiar circuits searching for a presence that is no longer there.
Complicated grief is a prolonged and intense form of grieving. When studied, those with complicated grief have increased activity in a part of the brain known as the nucleus accumbens, which is typically associated with rewards (OโConnor et al., 2008). While this may seem unusual, it actually makes a lot of sense. When we see someone we love, or the things that remind us of them, we receive a neural reward through activation of the nucleus accumbens. Those who adapt to the loss no longer receive the reward, while those who donโt adapt, continue to be rewarded when they see the โcueโ and so they crave it โ making it even harder to let go. In this way, the same neural pathway that once reinforced our bond can become a feedback loop of longing, sustaining grief each time the memory resurfaces.
๐๐ข๐ฌ๐๐ง๐๐ซ๐๐ง๐๐ก๐ข๐ฌ๐๐ ๐๐ซ๐ข๐๐
One of the hardest parts of losing a horse is that itโs often met with silence, or worse, dismissal. This is known as disenfranchised grief: grief that isnโt recognized or validated by society. When a beloved animal dies, the world around us often doesnโt make space for the weight of that loss. Many underestimate the intensity of a human-animal bond. There are no formal rituals. Few cards. Rarely condolences. The message, whether spoken or not, is: It was just a horse.
But anyone who has built a relationship with them knows it was never just a horse. Grief for the loss of a beloved animal is just as valid, real, and deserving of compassion as grief for a human. Love is not measured by species, and the pain of that loss reflects the depth of the bond, not the form it took.
๐ ๐๐จ๐ง๐ ๐๐ก๐๐ญ ๐๐๐ฐ๐ซ๐ข๐ญ๐๐ฌ ๐๐ฌ
Grief has a way of changing the landscape of our lives. It doesnโt ask for permission, it simply arrives, settles in, and reshapes everything we thought we knew about love and loss. The bond we form with our horses is real, reciprocal, and biologically rooted. It's not imagined or exaggerated. It's written into our routines, our nervous systems, and our sense of self.
Two years later, my mareโs absence still echoes in the quietest parts of my day, but that ache has softened. Sheโs no longer with me in body, but she is present in the way I move through the world. Her memory walks beside me, not as a shadow, but as a guide.
So to anyone grieving the loss of a horse: your pain is not too much. Your sorrow is not misplaced. And your bond is not forgotten. Love doesnโt end when a heartbeat stops, it transforms. And in that transformation, the story you shared with your horse continues. Quietly. Powerfully. Endlessly.
Dr. DeBoer
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