19/03/2022
This is a topic I feel itβs important to share and itβs not talked about enough. Reactive dog grief is that feeling of loss when you have a reactive dog. That moment you realise that your dog is different and gone are those romanticised walks in the parks. It hurts, itβs tough, and many of us would be lying if didnβt admit that at times, we even resent the dogs we love so much, because of the limitations they have imposed on us.
Shock / Denial
As dog owners weβre often outgoing people. We have a dog to share our life with, to go out on long walks, have picnics in the park and pub lunches. Some of us have an idea of the life we want for our dog when theyβre a puppy or before the puppy is even born. Our next dog will come everywhere, letβs take them on holidays, theyβre going to be an agility dog etc.
Then as they start to grow, we see a few early warning signs that most of us pass off as βpuppy behaviourβ itβll pass. Then it becomes βwell theyβre a teenager; itβs hormonesβ but thereβs a voice in our heads that knows itβs far more that that; yet we deny it. My dog isnβt aggressive, my dog isnβt βone of thoseβ, my dog would never bite, my dog doesnβt need a muzzle people will think theyβre nastyβ¦but were often fooling ourselves.
Anger / Frustration
Then comes the anger / frustration as it gets worse not better. βWhy canβt you be like a βnormalβ dog / our last dog.β, or that Disney idea of the βfamily dogβ.
Our frustration can take us to quick fixes that often make the problem worse, or we start to hide from the world and become the antisocial dog walker, up at 5am to walk the dog and 11 pm, no lunchtime or afternoon park walks for us. We start to bargain with how reactive they are. Theyβre not aggressive just βgrumpyβ, or βsorry sheβs a bit unpredictableβ. We feel guilty, have we caused this?
Bargaining / Guilt
They say βThereβs no bad dogs; only bad ownersβ we tried so hard where did we go wrong?
Often you didnβt this guilt is misplaced, itβs not you, sometimes it really is your dog. They could have underlying medical condition, developmental problem, or even poor genetics. Sure, thereβs always things you could have done differently, but often even with the best knowledge some dogs are just born this way.
Experimenting
In this stage you may have found help, someone whoβs positive and force free and is helping you rehabilitate your dog and explaining the underlying emotions that are helping to drive your dogβs behaviour. But thereβs no quick fix, and the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.
Depression / I canβt do this
We start to feel depressed, we hide, we avoid conversations on a walk as our dogs wonβt allow us to get close to others. We dread the βfriendlyβ dogs that come charging across the field as we panic thinking am I going to have to deal with a dog fight, what do I do? What if my dog gets injured or they injure another dog? We start to lose hope, this is it, itβs who they are. I canβt do this, the training isnβt working, itβs not progressing fast enough.
Moving on / finding new approaches
Then we look at our dogs and we see that spark of hope, they calmed down quicker, their reactivity was less intense, thereβs hope. You start to really take on the advice and work out your distances, prepare your walks like a military operation, muzzles, treats and toys at the ready. This is your dog, theyβre special and you have a bond now that very few can understand. You work as a team now; youβve accepted this is who they are, and they struggle in many situations but having you with them helps. They gradually feel safer with you and become less reactive, you find new hobbies, scent games, and other activities on a walk. You often feel like you take two steps forward and one step backβ¦but you keep going.
Living with and rehabilitating a reactive dog is tough, itβs isolating, but youβre not alone. Theyβre with you and thereβs so many others who are alone but with you on this journey.
Acceptance
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