24/08/2025
We lost T 3yrs ago, Bella followed just 10 months later and then our pup went to be with them a year later.
During that time I never fully engaged with their losses because we were going through a huge amount of trauma at home which just wouldnāt relent.
If youāve ever experienced heavy and long term trauma then youāll know that disassociation can be very much part of it. Iāve been in and out of shutdown for a long time and I only need to experience a tiny bit of stress to send me into it again. Iāve only really felt like Iāve come to my senses and been present just recently so I wanted to spend some time processing and feeling the loss of these 3.
Iāve been carrying them around with me for the last week and yesterday I felt the urge to go to the field and just sit and pray.
I asked the lord to heal the pain. I asked him to heal the trauma particularly from the events that unfolded with T. I sat with the feelings as he ministered to my heart. It was emotional and Clover, my little sensitive soul came and stood over me for extra support.
I realised that Iād been holding on to so much more than I realised and Iāve no doubt that there is more to come.
I let go of some of it. Iāll never fully let go of other bits of it and I think thatās normal isnāt it?
There are bits that I donāt want to let go of, like the memories.
After a while Clover started nibbling my hair and pushing me with her head. I felt like she was saying, āLook Iām here, Iām here in the now, be with meāā¦
and I realise she is right.
Iāve been stuck in the past, stuck in the trauma of it all and my body has been stuck because trauma sticks in the body. Being stuck has made me stop living in the moment and itās stopped me from giving every last part of myself to my journey with her and Tommy.
I want to move forward now. Iām ready to move forward. Iām not quite sure how but I know the lord and the horses will lead.
Funnily enough, once we were done, instead of going off to be with Tommy, Clover led me to the gate. She was just a couple of steps ahead of me and I lopped my arm over her back to cwtch her in as we walked.
I thanked her, went through the gate, she made sure I was ok before getting a drink and walking off to graze.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight
