30/10/2021
🤣
Hello horse people.
I went down to the nag hotel the other day on strict instructions from CC2 to take some photos of her on the Golden Nag. It’s one of my allotted equine jobs, you see, on top of being treasurer, financier, driver, hay lugger, s**t picker, whip collector, and tap turner. I don’t hold any of the more senior positions that require actually touching the pony at all, but I am interviewing next week for the role of Junior Boot Cleaner, so, y’know, wish me luck. Onwards and upwards.
What I was supposed to be photographing was the two of them walking up and a down a bit, and maybe doing that sidewaysey thing where it looks like the nag has been at the old vino. And I dutifully obliged as usual, clicking away like a good boy until I was allowed to go home again.
A few of you have asked to see a picture of the Golden Nag, so here’s one for you now — it’s the moment that he decided to pull a massive wheelie. Apparently, he had good reason to get so spooked; it was because he heard another horse whinny, but couldn’t actually see it. Oh well, that’s perfectly normal, isn’t it? Oh, yes. I mean, I’m the same. If ever I walk past a room or a door or a shop or a pub and I hear someone talk but can’t actually see them, I completely lose my s**t and leap into the air, screaming. Oh no, wait… no, I don’t do that because I’m NOT FU***NG MENTAL.
What is it with these horse things? Why can’t they just be normal and lose the plot over real things? Whenever I say this to CC2, she goes on the defensive. ‘Oh, well, they’re flight animals,’ she’ll say, ‘and in the wild they have many predators to run from.’ Sure, I understand. Run if you see a bear, that’s fine by me. Sensible even. And snakes, wolves, lions too, all good. But a friend of yours that’s making a slight noise while out of sight? Or a pile of melting snow, or your own fart, or a crisp packet in the wind? Have you seen the size of the teeth on a crisp packet? No, because THEY DON’T HAVE ANY! It’s ridiculous. I mean, I’m no fan of prawn and cocktail like any balanced person, but it doesn’t actually scare me. I don’t physically scream when I see some.
CC2 of course took the whole thing in her stride, as usual, and that’s another thing — why is she so fine with it? She can’t even walk into a room if she knows there’s a spider there. I’ll know if she finds one in her bedroom because the scream carries down the street and to the next town, followed by her running down the stairs, sobbing. And the cat brought a mouse in the other day and CC2 leapt onto a chair, like some 1950s cliché. But stick her on a horse that’s just lost his s**t and is reaching for the stars while she hangs on to avoid breaking her neck and she’s not bothered at all. You can’t see her face in the photo, but trust me, she just looked mildly amused.
When they came back to Earth, she got him under control again and walked towards me. As she trotted past me, she just rolled her eyes and tutted softly. ‘He’s such a dick,’ she said affectionately and carried on her way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you’re all certifiable. And I mean the horses AND the people. Seriously, you deserve each other!