11/28/2025
FYI. And how were things st your house thus Thanksgiving?
🚨🦃 ANDERSON COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE — THANKSGIVING CRISIS BROADCAST 🦃🚨
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS NOT EVEN A REHEARSAL. THIS IS A FULL‑BLOWN HOLIDAY CATASTROPHE.
Citizens of Anderson County,
At 0700 hours, Sheriff Barker attempted to carve his turkey.
THE TURKEY FOUGHT BACK.
Not metaphorically.
Not spiritually.
PHYSICALLY.
The bird rose from the roasting pan, performed a flawless spinning back‑kick, and fled the scene through a sliding glass door, shattering it like a WWE entrance.
We have officially upgraded the county to:
🟣–ULTRA CRANBERRY CODE PURPLE–🟣
THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF THANKSGIVING CHAOS KNOWN TO MAN.
Intelligence reports confirm the following nightmare fuel:
• A mob of feral yams rolling down Highway 25W at speeds exceeding 45 mph.
• A rogue pilgrim reenactor commandeering a mobility scooter and refusing all attempts at negotiation.
• Dressing/stuffing forming a sentient mass in one household and demanding voting rights.
• A gravy boat that achieved consciousness, declared itself “Commodore Sauce,” and is now recruiting followers.
Meanwhile, the escaped turkey—now code-named “DELTA TALON”—has recruited approximately 47 other turkeys to its side. Their demands are as follows:
1 Immediate control of the Anderson County Fairgrounds.
2 Two pallets of Hawaiian Rolls.
3 Full pardons for all Thanksgiving-related offenses dating back to 1998.
We cannot comply.
THE ROLLS ALONE WOULD CRIPPLE THE BUDGET.
Please remember:
• If the mashed potatoes begin vibrating, back away slowly.
• If your microwave starts chanting, unplug it.
• If a turkey knocks on your door…
DO. NOT. ANSWER.
That is how they get you.
We are doing everything we can.
We have deputies on the roof with potato cannons.
We have called in backup from the Fire Department (they brought pies).
We even contacted Animal Control but they said, and I quote,
“Thats TWRA’s jurisdiction”
Until further notice:
**BUNKER DOWN.
HOLD YOUR SIDES.
ANDERSON COUNTY, THIS IS OUR DARKEST THANKSGIVING.**
Happy holidays,
–The Anderson County Sheriff’s Office
(Posting against explicit instructions from the County Attorney)