01/01/2024
The Dog’s New Year's Resolutions:
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage man is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not stick my nose in your crotch while I'm under the kitchen table during dinner.
I will not roll my toys under the couch. If the toys do manage to roll under the couch, I will NOT stick my head under the couch and get my head stuck.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not run thru the house to the furthest distance away from the back door for Mom to wipe my muddy feet.
I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
Remember to let Mom OPEN the sliding screen door BEFORE going out on the deck.
I will not roll on/in dead animals, poo, garbage, etc.
I will not steal underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
Thongs are not dental floss.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
Don’t eat bees. They sting and make my tongue swell up and then I bark funny.
Stink bugs are appropriately named and freak Mom out when I eat them. Don’t drop them in Mom’s lap and then breathe on her.
Don’t bring live baby animals in the house hidden in my mouth.
Don’t bring ANY dead animals I might find in the yard, into the house. Mom says this is non-negotiable.
Don’t stand at the door and whine to go out, causing Mom to stop whatever she is doing to open the door………..and then stare at her and not go out.
Don’t go outside and turn around as soon as Mom closes the door and expect to be let in the house.
Don’t repeat the 2 steps above, more than twice, before getting told to get in my bed.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal p**p.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
The bathroom trash cans are not a buffet.
The baby tub, especially with a baby in it, is not a water bowl.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not help Mom change the baby's diaper. She has thumbs and is skilled in this task. I do not have thumbs and the baby does not appreciate a cold wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
Pretend I am a K-9 dog and go for a ride in Pappy Bill’s police car and hang my head out the window while the siren is on.
I will not make noises like I'm going to throw up in the car.
I will not throw up in the car.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, the washing machine, the dryer, the toilet or the sink.
I will not put my bone on my bed, and then try to figure out how to lay down on it. I will not stare at you and whine until you get up and move my bone so I can lie down.
I will not stand in front of the big picture box, during the Super Bowl, Walking Dead or any TV show or movie that might be on, and stare at you.
We do not have a doorbell.
I will not bark each time I hear one on the big picture box.
Do not EVER drop my ….bone, wet stuffy, leftover dinner, or remnants of the water bowl saved in my cheeks…….. ON the baby.
The baby's stuffies are not mine. There is a difference. I can fit hers completely in my mouth and they usually play music. This is a dead giveaway to Mom when she hears me walking by, singing the ABC's.
Guests don’t appreciate my trick of sneaking up behind them and walking between their legs, so they look like they are riding me. Don’t do this……especially to Grandma.
Desitin is not a condiment.
Don’t take the baby’s cookie no matter if she hands it to me or not. Wait for her to drop it on the floor.
Don't nudge the baby's hand to make her drop the cookie on the floor.
Don’t drool on the baby while waiting for her to drop the cookie on the floor.
I will TRY not to slobber on the cats BUT, I’m not making any promises on this one.
Happy New Year everyone! Hope this next one is GREAT!