05/09/2023
While traveling with or working along side Mark Rashid, I have heard him say several times "Working with the horse that shows up today, will always get us much farther along then trying to work with the horse that showed up yesterday, or that might show up tomorrow"
And I honestly believe that to be true for us humans as well... A fellow colleague and dear friend of mine had a tragic and unexpected loss last fall, I had reached out to her shortly after, to check in on her and as her and I were talking she asked me "how do you deal with it?" & "how do you heal?" Knowing the trauma and significant loss my family has unfortunately experienced in the past.
In that moment my only answer was "you let the waves of grief pass through and eventually just learn to carry on" but I felt like there was a deeper answer to such a heart breaking question, I just didn't have it for her then.
Recently I had to unexpectedly make the heart shattering decision to put down my gelding Brody. I won't go into details, because it's a long story and I might not be able finish it without breaking down. I'll just say it was way too soon and in no way, shape or form were either of us ready to say goodbye, but he was in immense pain and had spent multiple days at UW Madison and the vets there tried EVERY treatment out there that was available with no sign of it getting better for him. He had endured enough pain... more then enough, honestly...
It's been 2 months now, since I had to make that decision. That day, when I lost him, I also lost a sense of self. Brody had been my primary horse since I was 15, a bond of ten years, a relationship of love and trust that I lost when I had to say goodbye. It has been one of the most painful, and truly awful experiences. 2 months ago I was forced to begin grieving a massive piece of my whole world, and once again I found myself talking to the same dear friend of mine and again she asked "how do you deal with it?" How do you heal?" How do you live without them?" And in that moment, with my heart completely broken, my body aching in grief, my mind hardwired into survival mode. I once again, gave her the same response, but again, in a moment where I was broken and lost, I still felt like there was a deeper answer.
Years ago I pinned up a few of my favorite quotes to the door of my tack locker in the barn and if I am being honest, I dont look at them often and usually forget they are even pinned to the door at all. That is until recently... a few days ago I was grabbing a bridle off it's hook and there right along side the bridle I was reaching for, was Brodys bridle, just sitting there like I could grab it, toss it on him and ride off at any moment. It stopped me dead in my tracks, needing a moment to take a deep breath and wipe my tears, I puased in front of my locker and took a quick glance at the door full of quotes and there in the far left corner were Mark's words "Working with the horse that shows up today, will always get us much farther along then trying to work with the horse that showed up yesterday, or that might show up tomorrow" And that got me thinking, what if we looked at grieving from a similar point of view?
Similar to horses that find themselves living in a state of high stress (a sympathetic state) all they may require is time and direction to develop the tools needed to help down regulate themselves and decide if they are in a place where they are safe or not.
If we are in a place of pain because of loss and grief, I thought maybe if we give ourselves the time and space to come to understand and develop the tools we need to cope in a healthy manner, grieving could be us in a place of growth if we let it be. Yes, it hurts... actually no, let me be blunt, it F'ing sucks.
But, if we are patient and work with whatever version of ourselves that shows up each day, maybe we can get a little farther along then if we try to be the same version of ourselves that we were when our loved one was still around. Truth is, that version of ourselves might never look the same.
I will always cherish my "Brody memories" and I am grateful to have so many memories that Brody was a big part of. He was a main character in my story of life for almost a decade. What a beautifully heart breaking gift that is.
So no, with him gone, I am not the same person I was a few months ago, but I will work with what is left of me and hold on to everything he taught me and all of our memories and try to find growth through my grief
So with Mark's permission I adapted his quote to
"Working with the You that shows up today will always get you farther along then trying to work with the You that showed up yesterday or might show up tomorrow"
Now with that being said, I have taken a very large step back from social media. So you probably won't be seeing a lot of posts from me on this page or my personal page. I have a full schedule for the summer and a wedding to plan. I feel my free time is better spent in the world going on around me and healing my heart, then scolling through the apps. But I am still around, so if you have any questions or need to reach me, I will answer all messages, emails, texts and phone calls to the best of my abilities and will try to post an update every once in a while.
Best wishes and love to you all.
👇 one of my favorite photos my beloved princess Brody from our first trip to CO together.
