10/31/2025
                                            Dear Human Resources,
We, the three orange cats in a trench coat who run our social media, write to you weary and sticky with pumpkin residue, to report a series of unfortunate events that began precisely eleven days ago: the day Luna arrived.
We remember it vividly. We were enjoying our breakfast of lightly stolen kibble atop the warm office printer when the door opened, and in she walked: a sleek black silhouette framed by the October sun, her fur shimmering like the surface of a cursed pond.
Within the hour, the staff had proclaimed her Manager of Halloween. There was no interview. No onboarding paperwork. No background check. Meanwhile, the three orange cats were reminded yet again that we “cannot be trusted with managerial responsibilities due to prior incidents involving tuna, the photocopier, and the company stapler.”
Still, we resolved to be civil. We presented her with a tiny welcome banner (hand-drawn, mostly paw prints) and an office pumpkin decorated with googly eyes. She blinked once and declared, “It’s gauche.”
That was Day One.
By Day Two, the cobwebs we had painstakingly placed for maximum spookiness were dismantled and meticulously rearranged into patterns that supposedly “tell a story of existential dread.” When we suggested adding a plastic spider for authenticity, she hissed softly: “The absence of the spider is the point.” We have not understood joy since.
On Day Five, she replaced all coffee with what she called “Elixir of Eternal Autumn.” We soon discovered it was pumpkin-flavored black coffee. Not a latte. Not something polite with cream and foam. Just pumpkin. Black. Coffee. We now understand why some humans scream into the void before sunrise.
By Day Eight, she had instituted a costume policy that shattered all tradition. Every year, the three orange cats don our trench coat and deerstalker hat and become Detective Whiskerstein, solving pretend mysteries such as “Who Ate the Office Treats?” (It was us. It’s always us.)
This year, Luna announced that “Detective-themed costumes are incompatible with the Halloween aesthetic.” We were devastated. She has allowed only three acceptable costume categories:
1. Gothic Noble (with cape)
2. Haunted Forest Spirit (with leaves)
3. Herself
Today, Day Eleven, she declared from atop the office shelf, her self-appointed throne, that she was no longer Manager of Halloween. She is now, and we quote, “The Queen of Halloween, Ruler of Shadows, and Keeper of the Candy Bowl.”
Since HR has not intervened and the candy corn crown remains firmly on her head, we are appealing directly to the public: adopt Luna.
She is three years old, stunning, confident, and full of spooky charm. She will thrive in a calm, dog-free home where she can reign supreme and micromanage to her heart’s delight. She’s “a little shy at first” (though we have personally seen her startle a full-grown human into dropping a bag of treats), but she warms up quickly, especially when there’s attention to be had.
If you adopt her, you won’t just be rescuing a cat. You’ll be rescuing three orange cats in a trench coat from another round of “mandatory séance training.”
Please come get her. Let her be your Halloween Queen. And let us finally put on our silly hat, drink normal coffee, and solve fake crimes in peace.
With the utmost professionalism (and mild desperation),
The Three Orange Cats in a Trench Coat