Life at Wit's End

12/09/2022

Can horses be neurotic?

Neuroticism is the characteristic of being and reacting consistently negatively. Psychologists debate whether neuroticism is a fundamental component of personality or a behavioral adaptation due, usually, to trauma.

I choose to see everything as caused. The alternative - assuming behavior is just part of a creature’s nature - leads to the conclusion of “oh, well… that’s just how she is”.

Not very optimistic, is it?

Humans and horses are logical creatures. They build “rules” for their lives based on experiences, an accumulated lifetime of causes and effects catalogued into millions of little “rules” that give predictability to life. As it should be.

But sometimes, an animal or a child forms a “rule” that leads to unpleasant or seemingly unproductive or even neurotic behavior. This is not a fixed personality trait but a distorted, self-fulfilling world view.

I knew a beautiful gelding who was a doll in the cross ties but a total bastard to anyone who came near his stall. You could certainly call his barn behavior neurotic! The barn had Dutch doors and cement block walls, so the only socialization the horses got was hanging their heads out the open top. This particular gelding had someone formed the “rule” that anyone coming up to his stall was going to be mean to him. So, being a really smart boy, he decided the best defense was a good offense: he lunged at and tried to bite anyone who came up to his stall! Something who knows how long ago caused the rule to be formed and, like most neurotic behavior, it was self-reinforcing. Everybody who came up to his stall DID get mad at him, but they didn't get close enough to hurt him. Or they just walked away at the first hint of aggression. To people, he was neurotic. To him, he was successfully protecting himself. And it worked every time.

When I met him, I had just finished reading “Don’t Shoot the Dog” by Karen Pryor. A dog-friend of mine had given it to me. On the surface it’s about clicker training your dog, but there is so much more to it. I highly recommend it. There are a few examples of human-induced neurotic behavior in there that got me thinking.

I decided that I was going to try to change this gelding’s “rule”. The first step was to recognize that his rule "worked" for him. Nobody could get close enough to beat him! It's like the dog who barks viciously at the mailman: "Successfully protected home from invasion again. Day 3,431".

One morning, I walked up to his stall, close enough to “trigger” him, but just out of reach. Then I waited. He thrashed around for a couple minutes and then got a confused look when I didn't leave. That was the response he expected. The minute he stopped acting threatening, I held out my hand with a sugar cube in it and moved toward him. Which, of course, triggered him again. Step back again. Wait. Repeat.

I spent probably 30 minutes with him that day. Approach, back off slightly, wait, repeat. Over and over. I couldn’t explain to the horse that I wasn't threatening to him. I couldn't put him on the couch and ask him about his childhood. I couldn't hypnotize him. I didn’t have the language to say “trust me, if you just try something different, something different might happen”. The only thing I could do was demonstrate his “behavior” didn’t fully succeed. Over and over and over. Until he got irritated enough (or maybe eager-for-sugar enough) that he finally tried something else. The first time he DIDN’T respond with aggression when I stepped toward him, he got a huge “atta boy, that’s it!”. But - of course - I wasn’t close enough to get the sugar to him. Not yet. And then I'd pushed him too far, and he would revert to threatening me. Which again, didn't work the way he thought it would. Eventually he realized that his "rule" was "broken" with me, and finally he tried his "something different" again, and again it was rewarded as much as possible. Only a few minutes after that first attempt on his part to try something different, I was walking up to an eager horse, ears pricked forward, looking for a treat and enjoying scritches while he chomped on his sugar.

He had learned that threatening me didn't completely work. But more importantly, he had learned a new behavior that could allow him to let go of the old one. By teaching him that standing quietly got him a reward, and NOT punishment, he stopped being convinced he had to defend himself against me coming up to his stall. That he could be safe and even rewarded by being nice!

He was my friend from then on.

When people saw me hanging out with him and petting and scratching him, they thought he was a new horse. And they approached him as if he WAS a new horse. And so, he became that friendly trusting horse with more and more people. Threatening people was no longer his first choice of responses. I imagine that behavior was still in there. If confronted with an aggressive stall cleaner, for instance, I’m sure it was still in his toolbox. But it was no longer his go-to move.

When we refer to ingrained behaviors in horses (and people, for that matter) we are usually thinking of those behaviors we consider "bad". "Pushy", "Aggressive" and "Temperamental", for instance. We tend to think of these as fundamental character traits. We shouldn't. They are patterns of behavior based on rules the horse has created from his experiences about how the world works. Rules govern EVERYTHING about our interaction with horses, for better or for worse. And the only way to change a "rule" is to challenge it, make it not work. Or to help the horse find a rule that works "better".

Next time your horse tests a rule, try to think of it in a different light. You will forever be teaching new rules and refining old rules throughout your relationship with your horse. When you first teach a canter depart, it’s acceptable if the horse eventually ends up cantering. Later you will teach a half halt “warning” followed by an “and NOW” canter signal. To do that, the old answer has to stop being good enough. Training requires continuous adjusting and refining of rules. And they always require the initiative of a horse willing to “try something” without knowing for certain it is right. Ultimately, training a horse relies on the horse being comfortable “testing” new answers, and not being afraid of being wrong.

Think about this next time your horse tries “pulling” on you during leading. They are just checking to see if the rule still applies because they’d really just prefer to get where you are going faster. Can you really blame them? A simple “nope” is the appropriate response for a simple, honest question. Not punishment. Not 3 seconds of fear. Just a simple “rule still applies” answer and move forward.

An honest question is never wrong. Answering honestly (but incorrectly) must never be punished.

11/23/2022

What do Horse Trainer, Mental Health Service and Religious Organization have in common??

Those are the three facets which drive my story and I hope to share on this page. I had an especially hard time choosing which to put first. Primarily, I want to talk on this page about horse training! But my journey with mental health issues plays a big role in my training philosophy. Faith ties it all together. Seeing the best in yourself and your partner (horse, human, other) means having faith that they - and YOU - are basically good. Seeking that good in every situation is the primary goal.

All love is connected. You can't give what you don't have. You can't be patient with others if you are not patient with yourself. The fact is, 99.9999% of the time, people and animals have perfectly noble and reasonable intentions for everything they do. Even when they do harm (the lion quite nobly just wants to eat). The more we understand ourselves, the more patient and kindly we treat ourselves, the better and happier people we will be and the better we will treat every being around us.

So... although this page is (hopefully) going to primarily be about horse training and philosophy, increased self-understanding and self-love is the key. When I was first starting out, a trainer took me under her wing and helped me more than she can know. The saying around the barn was that "horses are cheaper than therapy". Not sure if that is still true, but I do believe we can grow in love and understanding by learning to love and understand our horse. And as simple, straightforward animals (if you haven't messed them up) horses provide a way to encounter our childhood innocence, the person we were before our parents started making mistakes or life took a wrong turn. Those of us for whom life has not been completely fair can rediscover their own innocence in a well-treated horse or can help a mistreated horse discover it in themselves.

This is my truth. An adolescence where my relationship with my horse was the reason I survived. Where coming back around to horses is saving me again.

11/23/2022

Trigger warning: mental illness, su***de. Topic warning: nothing to do with horses :)
We arrived at our new farm exactly 1 year ago today! I think. Ok, actually it was a blur, it could have been the 22nd. But even if it was, we weren't awake for a day or two later anyway. We had just driven a 4-horse trailer containing all our remaining possessions, our 4 dogs and a homegrown turkey for Thanksgiving (!?!) 2,189 miles in 48 hours. To flee California and hopefully start again.

But I didn't arrive at Wit's End, this place didn't become Wit's End, until February 19 this year.

All my life depression has been a constant companion. It had really blown up in the months leading up to our "flight out of California". My world was falling apart, my dream was dying. I had done everything wrong and even picking up and moving hadn't made a damned bit of difference. I was going down, and my worst fear is that I would take my family with me. We had left our home behind, for sale, and were being sued by the neighbors who forced us to flee. Insurance had denied coverage and we were looking at bankruptcy if we didn't sell the house soon. No way we could afford to fight our lawsuit without selling the house. Miraculously (and looking back, I sure see a lot of those) we had refinanced our CA home right as the Fit was hitting the Shan, and we were able to get out and into a new place on the proceeds. But things were tight. And scary. And not seeming to get any better.

The house had been on the market for 4 long months and finally we had an offer. The second it went "pending" on the MLS, the lawyer for the former neighbors suing us immediately contacted our agent with ominous and threatening letter stating that we couldn't get out of the lawsuit by selling and threatening to disrupt the sale. That was my take, that was my truth. Maybe I'm stating it wrong. If so, sue me. No, really, please don't!

But it terrified me. Sent me into a spin. Not only was my dream crashing down around me, but it was now threatening to destroy my family and their financial future. It was all my fault. I was trapped. There was no escape.

Somehow, I arrived at the seemingly logical and airtight conclusion that the best thing I could do for my family was to kill myself.

It hurts writing that. But that was my truth at the time. And now what I have is the truth, and I hope it eventually leads to my freedom.

It’s hard to explain why it made sense. I had thought of su***de so many times in my life, but this time it was different. Usually, it was only the part of my brain just looking for escape from pain, while another part held firm and said “there must be another way”. This time the logical, supposedly rational part agreed: there was no other way out. This was the one thing I could do to free my family from this horrible situation I had caused. I mean…. No one would continue suing them if I died. Right?

It took all my strength to hold on through Joshua’s birthday. The celebration of his birth. The anniversary of the day he was hurt while being born and disabled forever. Yeah. That day. It was always a hard day to get through, and this year was a million times as bad as it’s ever been.

I lasted three days. His birthday was on Wednesday and I held out until Saturday morning. I couldn’t hold on anymore. Saturday, February 19, 2022, I finally attempted su***de.

I had a stockpile of pills I had saved from various surgeries. Enough Percocet to bring down a horse. Anti-anxiety meds to make it easier. There were supposed to be anti-nausea pills as well. I had them in California. I don’t know where they went. Somehow, they disappeared on the move. I hoped I could do without them. I know the hardest part of su***de by pills was keeping them down. I have never done anything without thorough research…

I took as many pills as I thought I could keep down, took a nice shower, got dressed warmly (because I was starting to get cold) and lay down in bed. I wanted it to look peaceful for whoever found me. And I laid there, waiting to die.

The lack of the anti-nausea pills did me in. I couldn’t keep it down. I really don’t remember, Tom heard me throwing up? Somehow, we ended up at the emergency room. I didn’t want to go in. And, stupid Covid, Tom couldn’t go with me. But then somehow, he WAS with me. I was cold. So cold. I remember the monitor of my heart beat, the beeps getting slower and slower and being told to WAKE UP. Not wanting to wake up. Insisting that I was better off dead, this was the best I could do.

I spent the next 5 days in the psychiatric hospital. Let me assure you of one thing: you do not want to be involuntarily committed on a Saturday night. NO ONE wants to be on the psych floor on a Saturday night. That has to be about the worst possible job and shift, and there sure were a few “nurses” who I’m pretty sure were only there because they couldn’t get a better gig. “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” no longer seemed like fiction.

I took five days because I spent the first three arguing that I had done the right thing, that it was the best course of action, etc. Anyone knows me, knows I like to argue when I think I am RIGHT. And I was positive I was right.

I’m not sure what changed. I think the lack of sleep (my “roomie” was a tiny 80 pound woman with severe dementia who snored like a freight train) finally wore me down. I was willing to think or say anything to get home to my nice warm bed and finally SLEEP. If being allowed to sleep meant promising I wouldn’t try to kill myself again (at least right away) then it was worth it.

I couldn’t be released until I was set up with a therapist and medication. Until I had told Tom where any other pills were, until he had “Kate-proofed” the house. And on Friday, February 25, I finally got to go home.

To my Wit’s End. To the place I tried to make my end but which turned out to be the beginning of something incredible.

My entrenched ways of coping, of taking care of myself, of combating despair and depression: all proven futile. No choice but to start anew. Nowhere to go but forward. No place to go but up.

When you reach your Wit’s End, things can only get better.

11/23/2022

The Truth shall set you Free

The verses are so simple: Hold to His teachings; He will give you the Truth; And the truth will set you free. A leads to B leads to C. Such beautiful, straightforward logic. Nice and orderly. So far, so good.

Ok, but what teaching? Jesus summed up all the commandments in two: Love God with all your heart and all your mind and all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.

Hmmm....

If you have ever been so depressed that you didn't love yourself, you might understand how hard those commands can read. How can you love your neighbor AT ALL when you don't love yourself? How can you love God with a heart that is broken and incapable of love? How can you give love when you have no love in you? And then you start thinking, well that's not really fair. Maybe it means I am not really required to love my neighbor because I don't love myself, and I don't hate anyone else more than I hate myself? So I should be OK. Right? That sounds like an odd loophole. But if I can't love myself, how can I love anyone else? If I can't even get started, I will never be free.

It feels like a trap with no way out.

This blog is my journey in search of that answer. I don't know how to follow that Command. But I know Truth is important. So even though the logic doesn't work out right, I'm going to start with trying to B) find the Truth, hopefully it will C) set me free, which will somehow loop back around to A) following His teaching and loving God and everyone including myself.

So, I will cling to the truth. Even if it is scary to tell it. I am working this out as I go. Life is a journey, always a work in progress. It's not going to be tidy; it's not going to be well organized. But it will be truthful. That's the best I can do, so I will do it the best I can.

11/23/2022

In the Beginning

Many people spend their lives repeating the same failed pattern again and again. Oftentimes they don't try anything new until they hit Rock Bottom: until they arrive at their wit's end. Only there will they begin to try new things, and learn how to finally let go of old, destructive ways and replace them with new ones.

Welcome to my Wit's End. Where I reached the end and discovered it was only the beginning.

This is my journey. It is one of faith, horses and mental illness. I hope you will share it with me. Whether for a few steps or journeying with me to the end (wherever that ends up) you are welcome to walk with me, to share my growth, through failures and successes, ups and downs... the whole enchilada.

I can't promise it will be fulfilling, enlightening, well written or even interesting!

I CAN promise I will be as honest as I possibly can (recognizing that lies one tells self are the worst form of dishonesty and the hardest falsehoods to recognize). And I welcome those friends who journey with me to help me to stop and smell the roses, to celebrate with me my discoveries and mourn with me my defeats, and above all else... help keep me honest.

Let's go!

The Wit's End paradox: instead of the end, a new beginning.