Battle of Corona Letters

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11/28/2020

Day: We've lost count
Headquarters: Pasadena, MD

My friends! It has been some time since my last letters. As the warmth of summer has turned to the cold and grey of winter, The Corona has yet again reared its ugly face. It is the time of giving thanks and we certainly had our fill of yard pheasant and cheep distilled spirits! Morale remains high, as today at market we secured a handsome load of poopin coupins! We look forward to clean posteriors the whole season through!

My friends and countrymen let us raise a toast , Rona to hell with thee!

Sgt. Mox
Bravo Company
Old Line Headquarters

05/24/2020

Day ### :
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD May 24, 2020

Word has been too few and far between. I am here to bring good news. Tis' a somber weekend as we remember the heroes who gave all on foreign soil so we may mask up in freedom. Those who remain in good health are keeping their spirits high. In America we will toast to the freedoms that blood was spilled for. Remember the original Bushwackers!

04/05/2020

Prayers for our great undivided states. Livers have truly carried the burden. God, Country, and DDs.

04/03/2020

Ahh... tis a somber night. The sheep and pig lay quietly for the first time in a fortnight. Many coyote have had to be taken for the quiet. The wine pours heavy for me and the lass now. The wee lad fell unto his slumbers early. Now we just have the pictures to keep us company. Saturday we shall lay lead upon the forest in training and put the hounds to test. Hope all is well on the eastern front lads. To all of Dundalk and Dunces, Godspeed to the morrow!

Patriot Sullivan
-Cincinnati Whig Militia

03/28/2020

For God, Country, and the Tiger King

03/25/2020

Mother Nature and her abundance of precipitation have put a damper on the mail-wagon's delivery. Anticipating word after sunset. For God, Country and TrumpBucks

03/24/2020

Day 13 :
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 24, 2020

Late word has arrived from the parcel-pigeon. Some colleagues looked at it as if it were a meal. Spirits remain as high as giraffe testicles. Self-quarantine and self-pleasure do not mix well. My men can no longer handle their muskets or mask with their sand-paper like mitts. They place blame on the Family Schilling store's paw sanitation liquid but I know it isn't the cause; they have questioned when PornHub season 2 will be released. I must keep this short as we have to tie George's hands together so he does no more damage. Until the sun rises over the voluptuous golden eggs of Dundalk.

For God, Country and Riley Reid.
J. Hamer of Dundalk

03/20/2020

Day 8 :
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 19, 2020

To the other fronts, we hope this finds you well. We have fulfilled our demands to Comcast and are sending out the news. I am happy to say there isn't much news from our lines. Colonel Sanders has said the white meat is dwindling at Fort KFC. The buckets of fried goodness have been in heavy demand. Young Rahul of 7-11 has arrived bearing Slurpees. He has been asking the ladies of camp to show Bob. After seeing Seger, Dylan, and Dole he seems unimpressed and displeased. Thankfully he also is overflowing with IT knowledge and has helped the boys eliminate the virus. Not Corona, as we all feel young, dumb, and full of cum. Their technology is now operating at a good pace and chock full of anti-virus. For God, country and big naturals. -J. Hamer of MD

03/18/2020

News from a local is in. May Paul Mox wipes be of one.

Day 7
Old Line Headquarters
Bravo Company
Sgt. Mox

Today we rejoice! After an excursion to the local commissary known to the locals as costco we have procured an amass of s**t tickets. Although only 2 ply our asses will stay clean to s**t another day. Morale has once again been restored and the whiskey is still plentiful. Although after a small celebration in honor of St. Patrick the Guinness has dwindled. I'm hopeful for the future although it appears the stupidity level of the locals rises with every passing sunset. Keep your heads held high and your stomachs full. The road ahead is rough brothers! I say good day!

Sgt. Mox
Bravo Company
Old Line Headquarters

03/18/2020

Day 7: Second entry
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 18, 2020

My esteemed friends:

No word from other fronts stateside, but Sgt. Pepper of Liverpool has arrived with uplifting tunes. He recited a few lines that paired well with his stringed instrument. The boys were happy and they enjoyed the show. Now we will sit back and let the evening go. He told us it was wonderful to be here and certainly a thrill. Such a lovely audience, but reminded he cannot take us home with him. We can get by with a little help from our friends.

In other news we must announce the engagement of young Arjan van Leuven and Aimee Kalandras. While doing their best to wait until the Holy union is official she can't keep her hands off him. Pray for Arjan, as he strives to remain pure of body and thought. God, country, and pornhub. -J. Hamer of Dundalk

03/18/2020

Day 7:
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 18, 2020

My esteemed friends:

The winds have shifted on our front. The breeze holds the wicked smell of suboxone and the golden globes of Essex. The journey is about to take place to our local purveyor of to***co products. I have reminded the men that the people grazing Dundalk Ave are a different kind of sick and it lacks contagious properties. The Wuhan wet-markets hold a likeness to this lane, but we will maintain distance with others. Ye ol' Alexa play the Battle Hymn of Dundalk. Until word arrives from other fronts pray for their safety. For God, Country and Earnhardt. -J. Hamer of MD

03/18/2020

Late word has arrived from Deason's camp. His steed that goes by the name of Jeremy Retzlaff will be quarantined here at the Turner's Station camp for the night. Yes, a weird name for a horse, but he travels with the speed of a Mexican crossing the border. Many thanks to Jeff Deason

Day 4

Headquarters, Lone Wolf
Festus, MO March 17, 2020

Greetings brethren,

The past couple days have been long and challenging. I have fallen ill with an unknown malady. As such, I have been banished from polite society and have become an outcast, quarantined to my bedroom with only a Firestick, phone, and my faithful four-legged companions for company. In my infirmity I have learned it was short-sighted to focus on the s**t tickets when the real golden ticket is the almighty tissue. I’ve received word from all quarters that society has come to a screeching halt. The bars and casinos in the Show Me State have ceased operations for the foreseeable future. However, our will remains strong and our or***ms stronger. Continue to fight the good fight, gentlemen.

Yours truly,

J Deason - MO

03/18/2020

Day :
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 17, 2020

My esteemed friends:

Many updates and little ink. There is silence from all fronts but PA. I am sure you have seen the good word from there. Hand sanitizer remains strong and the back-puss remains as fresh as it can be since the last letter. The boys have been imbibing in the devil's lettuce to ease their worries. They are now stricken by the munchies and I worry they will trek to Taco-Bell for 4th meal. As a saluted veteran of bad decisions I am aware of the repercussions. I pray the laziness sets in soon and they resort to the Pringle's potato slices. Our stockpile of s**t-tickets may not withstand the intestinal eruption that the boys will endure if they do indeed head for the border. For God, country and our burrito-less brethren. Truly, -J. Hamer of MD

After some sturdy coughs, a few fellows had to get tested for ye ol' Corona. I have gotten good word! May the Guiness gr...
03/18/2020

After some sturdy coughs, a few fellows had to get tested for ye ol' Corona. I have gotten good word! May the Guiness greet your belly with all the love of Ireland.

03/17/2020

Day 4
Headquarters-my crappier

It’s been a rough 3 days. Everything is closed. The enemy keeps moving closer and closer. The boys and I are standing strong though. There’s talk of working every other day with 24 hour shifts if need be. Now that the liquor stores are closed this may be a nightmare for some. On a better note shipments of TP have made it to camp. We are all happy with that. The letter boys for my last two letters are no where to be found. There was talk of a still open casino at the border. They may have fallen into that trap. Until next time. God be with you my friends. CJS—-Altoona

03/16/2020

Day 5:
Old Line Headquarters
Bravo Company
Sgt. Mox

Today I ventured out in search of provisions. It seems the locals are still stockpiling s**t tickets and ramen. Neither were available. We will have to rely on our rations of wild game and Kraft blue box. Morale is high as we have procured fine whiskey from the Irish and a conglomeration of other malt spirits. Today the wife got letters stating she must serve from home for the next week. Home cooked meals and clean laundry are on the horizon. If not she may have to find new shelter. I was lucky enough to happen upon a stockpile of ammunition before the battle began so in unfortunate circumstances I can pillage from the locals. I hope to write again soon. I pray the whiskey outlasts this debacle! Stay strong brothers and use your squares sparingly! Good day and godspeed!

Sgt. Mox
Bravo Company
Old Line Headquarters

03/16/2020

News from the brothers holding it down in Va.

Day 5
Just before dinner
Eastern Staffordshire, Va.

Day 5 and the battle rages on in piercing fashion. An entire ration of Nutty Buddies have fallen victim to gluttony. I writhed in anguish as the bois attempted to loosen my eagle claw clutch on the last of the most desirable chocolate and peanut butter wafer combination.

In panic, I have bartered sexual favors in exchange for spirits made from agave. My hands remain sore, but my tum remains full. God and Country. -Chris Keating

03/16/2020

Day 5:
Headquarters, White Turners
Baltimore, MD March 16, 2020

My esteemed friends:

I greet you on a fine Monday with new reports. Local establishments are set to hunker down at 1700. The people of Dundalk have discovered soap, and it smells of an Irish Spring in my nether regions. We have received a sack of unmolested flesh-lights from Jon Wilt of the Watersedge camp. This should keep the boys happy for the unforeseen future. He arrived not by horse, but by his trusted emu who we shall call Bertha. The large bird while finicky has remained calm. I hope we can all take something from his flightless feathered companion. We do appreciate the large unfertilized eggs that Bertha has left us with. Prayers for J. Wilt as he has risked it all traversing Turners Station to bare us these goods. For God and Country. -J. Hamer of MD

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Dundalk, MD
21222

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