03/07/2024
It still comes in waves and when I least expect it!
FOR ANYONE who has recently – or even not so recently - gone through the devastating experience of losing a beloved dog, we hope this feature by our breed expert, Carol Price, is of some help.
LIVING WITH THE LOSS OF A DOG
In the last three years I have gone through the loss of two of my most special and beloved dogs – as all of them are. Dogs that I bred and brought into this world, shared so much with for so long, and then suddenly they were gone. And with each of their departures, I once again faced that dagger in the heart that so many of you will know, with the loss of a dog, and a friend, and a life that is so uniquely precious to us. There is the shock and the pain and the blind grief, but most of all the horror at the sheer finality of it all. Of realising that you will never see again the face of a dog who was a part of your life for so long.
As humans, it is mostly our lot to outlive our dogs, who invariably will have shorter lives. We know that is the deal when we take them on, and yet still so quickly push this reality to the back of our minds during their lifetimes, along with all the other darker truths of existence that are just too painful to dwell on. Until the day time finally catches up with us, and our dogs. We must say goodbye to them and then somehow find a way to live with the overwhelming vacuum they leave behind.
Every dog we own is uniquely special to us, and similarly the nature of the relationship, and life experiences, we shared with them. All their sweeter or sillier habits and ways that only we understood and all the adventures, and ups and downs, we had together. The sum total of all this is what we truly lose when we lose a dog. It is something so special and unique to us, and the dog we once owned, that it can never really be adequately put into words, or sufficiently explained to anyone else. Except, perhaps, another dog owner who has been through the same experience.
THE JOURNEY OF GRIEF
They say that grief has no universal road map, in terms of the psychological and emotional journey we must travel after losing much loved dogs. For some the journey is much shorter, for others longer. Plus there can be so many other factors that further complicate the picture or lengthen the recovery process; such as how young a dog was when they died.
For losing a dog far too young to illness may always make you feel cheated. Whereas losing a dog to some accident, or because of its more dangerous behaviour, may al-ways make you feel guilt - however misplaced – that there was always something more or better you could have done to prevent it. Feelings like these may also intensify people’s reluctance to get another dog, for fear of history repeating itself – even though in reality it rarely does.
They also say that grief has well recognised stages; i.e. shock and disbelief, guilt, anger (and a desire to blame or self blame), then finally resignation and acceptance (of the loss incurred). But some people may not go through all these stages or get stuck in some and find it harder to move on. It is incredibly important to understand this about yourself; where you stand in this emotional recovery process and what you think may be preventing you from being able to move on.
MAKING SENSE OF LOSS
When faced with any great loss, it is also incredibly common for the more logical, and emotional, parts of our brain to be in constant conflict as we struggle to deal with it. In other words, one moment we may be rationalising that our dog had a wonderfully long and happy life, and could not live forever, and the next we will be overcome with emotion, and tears, because we have just spotted their old collar and lead hanging up in the under stairs cupboard, or seen the ghost of their presence on a favourite walk. Even months or years later, it is always the smallest, poignant, sights and memories like these that suddenly catch us offguard and re-inflame the rawest pain of loss that is still lingering inside. This too is totally normal.
Having just one dog, and losing them, can also be particularly hard. Because being a dog owner, by this stage, could well have become an intrinsic part of your own identity as a person, and this is now also lost to you.
MOVING ON
The main reason I began breeding my own dogs, was to ensure that everything that was so special about them, or their immediate past ancestors, was carried on into newer generations, and thus I would never truly lose the dogs who lay in their past, while I had their offspring. But of course this is not an option for everyone.
After losing a dog, there may well come a moment when you are ready to contemplate owning another. Some people do this too soon, out of a desperation to replace what they have lost with another dog they hope will be the same, but never can be. Newly-bereaved owners can be highly vulnerable to more impulsive decisions about next dogs, and one must always be aware of this, and let enough time pass, until you can think more clearly or rationally and no longer expect a next dog to be just like the one you lost.
Other people may find the pain of losing a dog so great that they cannot bear to get another. Sometimes there are other pretty practical reasons for this decision – like their age, or other changes to their lifestyles – but if it is just fear of loss alone then this is sad. For we have one life, and within it we can choose to embrace love or fear. You can-not experience the joy of loving anything without the fear of also losing them one day. But that still cannot stop us loving things. It is just what humans need to do.
All text © Carol Price 2024
