03/04/2025
TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains discussion on domestic violence, sexual assault, abuse and gender construct
On Making Strong Contact
~ Chiara
“We cannot dance with a partner without touching each others raw spots”
I read this quote in a book the other day and while it was in the context of intimate human relationship, I cannot think of a better metaphor for equestrian pursuits than Dance- where artistry of movement takes shape through the rhythm of subtle communication. There is so much beauty in this and wonder and… all the things that come together in partnership. When we are dancing with 1000lb animals, no matter how comfortable or experienced we may be, our bodies know how vulnerable we are. Our raw spots are deeply exposed and because we are asking the horses to respond to us beyond the limits of their biology, so are theirs. We find ourselves in the exquisite position to play out our internal conflicts with our equine partners, just as we do in our human relationships. I think that this is lovely as it offers us a unique and richly rewarding opportunity to learn about and embrace our authentic selves.
Ours is not a culture that nourishes and cultivates the kind of Strong Contact that is required for real connection and thus, real intimacy and right-relationship. The topic seems almost taboo. My feminine was taught to please, to be soft and to use manipulation and coercion in conflict, if not to avoid conflict entirely. My masculine was taught to protect, to be strong and use force and aggression in conflict, if not to avoid conflict entirely. It seems that many of us throughout our lives learn how to avoid making strong contact in rejection of potential connection through conflict.
I understand why humans punish horses for getting “big”. And I understand why humans put so much effort into never allowing the horse to get “big” in the first place. Big can be terrifying. When we are terrified and our very lives are being threatened, the kind of Strong Contact we make may indeed need to be equally dangerous in order to ensure our survival.
I have been terrified many times in my life by other humans and by horses who became Big and inflicted violence on me and I am teeming with gratitude for the part of me who can make strong contact with ruthless brutality. In my early 20s, I was grabbed and dragged into an alley by a man. I left the blade of my pocket knife between his ribs. In my early teens, I was pinned in a box stall by a horse who was leaving holes next to my head with his hind feet. When he turned to attack me with his front end, I grabbed a 2x4 off the window ledge and hit him as hard as I could between the eyes. In both of these cases, while I endured heavy emotional trauma, I escaped with only superficial physical injury. I do not regret my actions in either scenario and in fact, celebrate them as demonstrations of my love of self and love of life.
Big can also be gentle and the Strong Contact we make may need to be equally so. I recall an exchange while playing with a toddler- Little buddy had picked up something potentially dangerous (I cannot remember what exactly but it was something innocuous like a plastic bag) and was intent on shoving it in his mouth. After my requests that he hand it over for safe keeping were ignored, I took it away from him and he proceeded to absolutely pound his tiny fists on my face (I have noticed that toddlers hit, that people hit but am feeling fairly confident that we are moving away from this action as a species). With great presence, I caught ahold of one of his small wrists as it came plummeting toward my nose and held firm, looked him in the eye and said “Your hitting hurts me. It hurts when you hit”. He sat frozen with his chubby arm held up in my hand and contemplated for a moment. I felt his little body soften and released my grip the second before he let out a deep sigh and, wrapping both arms around my neck in a gentle embrace, said “okay Auntie, no hitting”. He never hit me again.
I can think of many times in my life when I avoided making strong contact with another human. Sometimes, because I was ready for that relationship to end anyway and there simply wasn’t a point to say or do anything about it. In some cases, I have avoided strong contact because I didn’t know how to make it and was perhaps afraid of overdoing it one way or another by either becoming violent or manipulative. Many times, I attempted to make strong contact in unhealthy ways and it was rejected by the other person. Yet fantastically, in every case where strong contact was made and met, it was the creative force that inspired the relationship to evolve!
We may be conditioned to believe that Strong Contact can only be achieved through physical contact or that it is a “bad” thing because it can only occur through violence. This is not so. Strong Contact is about our boundaries and our empathy. It is about being soft in our firmness. It is about taking grounded action AND reaching for help when we are untethered. Strong Contact is saying No and Strong Contact is saying Yes. In essence, Strong Contact is “Cause No Harm and Take No Sh*t”. Choosing inner reflection and embracing our shadow self instead of blaming or judging others is an example of making strong contact. Catching a dog about to run into traffic is making strong contact. Taking ahold of our partner and asking them to hold us in our suffering is making strong contact. Sometimes, it is fighting for our lives and sometimes it is taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions.
When we rub against each other’s raw spots, I believe that this is when we need to make strong contact the most. As a coach, I am side by side with my students both human and horse as they explore their own ways of making Strong Contact within themselves and with each other. Healthy horses have no problem making strong contact and this is something that we can learn from and experience with them if we are humble and willing. For example, horses are wonderful teachers in the art of setting boundaries. Knowing + upholding boundaries is a crucial component of our ability to make strong contact in healthy ways. Boundaries are: knowing our yes’s and no’s and taking responsibility for our actions. Boundaries are not: making demands of and/or threats to another. When working with a horse, I enter into a covenant with that horse- I will not abuse them and I will not permit myself to be abused. Because consent goes both ways, it is my responsibility to be clear and consistent in letting the horse know how I am to be treated and it is my responsibility to listen to and honour them when they communicate to me how they are to be treated. It is also my responsibility to stand up for myself when my boundaries are violated. When confronted with the paradox of tolerance, I have no problem using physical force to defend myself and/or others if/when it is necessary.
From the horses I have learned that: Soft does not always equal slow or gentle, soft can be rapid like the beating wings of a butterfly and as unyielding as the tides. Firm does not always equal hard, firm can be as delicate and flexible and strong as the grip of a babies hand. The Feel of my energy is the most important method of communication that I have, coming first before language, technique and all other tools.
During the times where I have made unhealthy strong contact with horses, I have either used fear and pain to influence the desired result or I have offered bribery, using coercion and manipulation to influence the desired result. The horse who is making strong contact in unhealthy ways may be reactive and aggressive toward humans and other horses or they may be checked out/shut down. When the horse and I did not have healthy boundaries or make healthy strong contact, we experienced: nipping, biting, head butting/rubbing. Difficulty catching and/or leading. Fidgeting/inability to stand tied. Hypervigilance. Dangerous under saddle behaviours such as bucking, bolting and rearing. To name a few.
The horses show me that it does not need to be this way. They demonstrate to me just how far tact, consideration and patience can take us, how Clear is Kind and how to be so with calm confidence. They emulate the body’s need to feel safe. They show me new ways to consider things and invite me to explore ideas I would never have otherwise imagined. Nearly all day every day, I watch horses and I watch people, in both same and inter species interaction. I observe people who, like myself, are struggling to make strong contact in this world. Every day, I learn something from these observations and apply it to my understanding of self and of universe. I watch and listen with love, believing in my bones that no matter how much the superficial world works to keep us small, we are here because we want to break through the layers of limitation into deep, powerful, vulnerable relationship.
Mindful Horsemanship Coaching 
