05/03/2024
🐴Yesterday was a very hard day - but a day of learning.
I had spent all this time preparing for Sweetheart to arrive. I am so in love with this girl. I was 'so ready' for her to be home with Royal and I! But, I wasn't ready. I was plagued with nerves, thinking of "what if I fail her, what if I fail Erin, what if I don't do something right for them, what if she doesn't want to come home with me, what if she refuses to get on the trailer, what if something happens when she gets there, what if what if what if...". In hindsight I was only ready with the physical stuff like her feed, her pasture area, and the ideas. I was not emotionally, mentally or physically ready for her to actually arrive.
I spent that whole car ride on the way to get her just spinning into the abyss of What Ifs, and feeling down right unworthy. I knew I had spooked her with the trailer practice the week before, and she hadn't even come near me the last time I tried to see her, so I was particularly worried she had decided I was not for her and I was just like all the others who had come before me, pretending to love her just to throw her on a trailer and get rid of her, send her off to some other place all by herself to be unloved and unhandled.
But, that's not my intention!! Right? I'm bringing you home! I get to love on you everyday! I get to show you what it's like to have 'your person'! We get to do this trust thing and work thing and relationship thing together at my very own home! I know you will love it just as much as I do!!
Intention...expectations? I'm expecting her to love it, expecting her to trust me to get into that trailer, to go to the unknown and just trust that I will be there for her? I expect her to just understand that I am not going to do to her what her past owners did? I expect her to just hop on the trailer, come home and be best friends with Royal?
These are the things us humans tend to do. We have choices they don't have so it is SO easy to fall into a pit of what ifs, or having expectations that we believe are all good intentions that don't mean any harm. But, they do cause harm, and we may not realize that in the moment.
So you bet, by the time I got there I was already fighting back the tears and emotion just boiling below the surface. I could barely breathe as I made my way past the trailer to her pasture. I could barely stand the worries stripping my voice away.
When I called to her, she turned away. She refused to come anywhere near me. I was shaking, I was broken hearted. My hopes were shattering into pieces, falling right down that black hole of doom that I so often seem to fall into when important things don't go as planned. I immediately felt defeated and wanted to run out of that pasture crying and become invisible, because I had broken that bond I have spent months working on all because I selfishly wanted to bring her home today! I put my selfish needs and desires before her and I just couldn't stand the emotions that were strangling me as I realized how stupid I had been!
I went and got food (as I used to do positive reinforcement with her but it was not working out for the inexperienced handlers there so it wasn't fair to everyone to keep using that method) to see if I could get her to come back to me. After a good while I was able to get her to come back to me and halter her but it was still just anxiety and fear bouncing back and forth off the both of us, each of us struggling to catch our breath and both screaming out to whatever we thought might save us in that moment, her to her friends and me silently into the void of desperation and hope.
It didn't go any better from there. She was terrified, refused to go anywhere near the trailer and when she did touch it she would fling back and push into everyone to leave. We spent a good hour just trying to get her near it.
And the whole time I just wanted to bring her back to her pasture but the words that came out of my mouth did not fit that narrative. My words said, "please get in I love you, I promise I am not taking you anywhere bad, I won't leave you!!" While my brain said, "please just put her back and try another day, this is just making things worse!" But the internal fight was of no use.
Thankfully Erin saved me from that cycle by ending the moment for us. By then we were both in tears.
I put Sweetheart back and just gave her a pat and told her how sorry I was and that I didn't mean to be so unfair and I really didn't want to scare her so badly, I was so so sorry. She left the moment that halter came off.
I cried. I couldn't get the words out to explain how I felt in that moment to Erin, just that it was fine and we will try again. I was sorry. We both agreed it was not the right time for her. I felt so angry at myself for not being able to articulate what I thought. How could I, the 'trainer' let my emotions get the best of me in this moment!?? How is sweethearts owner supposed to trust that I know what I'm doing when I can't even keep the tears from spilling or put sweetheart back when I know she needed to be put back, how can they know I'll do the right thing when in front of them I am too stuck on thinking about what the people around us want to happen and can't make the decision in fear of making the wrong one? I was lost in that moment, and ashamed.
Luckily, I had all day/night to process what had happened.
I realized that my emotions where so strong because I understood her position. I remember all the pain i felt all the times I was left, or taken somewhere and left with people who were abusive to me. All the times I found myself alone, having to trust a total stranger and just hope that getting in that car or plane or bus or walking through that door meant I was going to be safe - and knowing how many times that wasn't true at all. I felt her pain, her fear, her worries, her anger, her distrust for me in that moment, her desire to hope & trust but just not being able too.
It was hitting too close to home, things I haven't yet fully processed and it just made this whole thing so scary!
Also realizing, that even though I believed my intentions were good, doesn't mean it was right. I think I wanted to heal myself subconsciously by healing her, I wanted to give her the love & trust and hope I had so many times needed when I didn't have a voice. I wanted to give her that relationship I so badly have needed myself. I love her. I love being around her, love watching her learn, love figuring things out with her, and I was so so excited to be able to do that everyday in the comfort of my home, knowing it was safe for her too.
But, I didn't realize that she needed more time. And THAT WAS OKAY. It didn't mean it wouldn't ever happen, it didn't mean she didn't like me, it didn't mean I had failed. It was so much more simple than my complicated emotions were making it out to be. She just needed more time. And again, THAT IS OKAY.
Human time lines don't work for horses. Not all the time. Especially for a rescue horse we know very little about.
I went through all the ways I was feeling and connected them to my real worries and fears and the actual reality of things. It took awhile, and even by this morning I still hadn't grasped it fully.
But today I went later than planned to the barn, thankfully due to a migraine that kept me up ALL night absolutely sick, and by then I was feeling better. I felt like I understood finally. I felt relieved of my selfish needs, desires and hopes. I felt happy, ready to just BE THERE FOR HER like I should have been from the start of this whole idea. No expectations, just the love & excitement I have always had to see her. I didn't feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions, I wasn't shaking, I was able to deep belly breathe and be truly present.
And guess who came walking up to me when she heard her name!? 🥰 Sweethearts head popped right up and she came walking to me! I was so full of fulfillment in just that simple moment, it was as if she had been like, "there you are, I'm so glad you are back!" But by back, I mean my whole being being calmly back ready to listen.
We had no fear, no rushing to get away, we took things slow, simply walking towards the trailer but at any of the SLIGHTEST signals she gave of being nervous, we stopped, waited for her to relax and rewarded. She eagerly stopped on cue, backed, turned both directions, waited, stayed low and calm. No screaming to the others (except for 2 sheepish calls to the handsome boy Daniel who was calling to her when we first left her pasture *cue eye roll* 🤭). She was with me, and even came up to me while I sat at the trailers edge and hung out (nervous, but still calm enough to stay with me and interact).
Did I push her to step onto the trailer? Absolutely not. I knew it would not go well if I did. I simply wanted her to understand I was back, back mentally, really here to listen to what she had to say, what she was feeling, and I wasn't going to rush her or push her or tell her she 'had' to do anything. I felt peaceful, content, and we both stood together just breathing and connecting. All my fears of my own abandonment & abuse memories were far gone, no longer creeping along my thoughts about her own fears. All I thought about was how proud of her I was, and how much I admired her for being so willing to forgive and try again, even when her human friend messed up in so many ways. She stood with me for a good while after I unhaltered her, and that was a gift my heart really needed. 🥹
Horses are healers. Their vibration is on another level, healing level. Just being in there presence can heal a broken heart. But when you get the chance like I do, to work with a horse so marvelous, so full of life and character who at the same time has her own demons, the healing really is a long awakening journey. They force you to take steps back, to evaluate your own doings, to really look deep inside yourself to find the answers that sometimes you already have but have yet to find. They are like a spirit guide, silent but always there guiding you each step of the way. They are magic, creating safe spaces while also forcing you to be realistic and alert.
They forgive us, they love us, they deal with our stupid human errors and still come back offering to try again no matter what. They show you how important it is to be honest and open and thoughtful, how to recognize how your actions/thoughts/feelings effect others. They teach us so much and ask for nothing in return.
I am grateful I had the 'setback' that I did with her this past week. Glad I got to remember there is still so much I need to work on within my self to be better for the horses I work with. There is so much more to training & a relationship than just being excited and having the barn ready, more than having a plan.
I had all the things planned, X-rays, dental, hooves, nutrition. I had so much in my mind for her. And this just reminded me that what she truly needs isn't a 'plan', she just needs me to be there for her, to give her the safe space, to be HEARD, truly listened to.
So, I will let go of my plan and allow things to happen organicly. The spot at my home will be open for her if she chooses. I will go see her and do my very human best to be quiet and Listen Instead of be the noise she doesn't need to hear. I will do my best to be present and open and follow her lead as she has done for me the past few months.
I am so grateful I get to work with Erin and Sweetheart, so grateful I get to be a part of the magic that happens there even if it is just a small part. It is an honor and I feel it is such an important part of my journey as I venture on my own with my business.
So thank you Sweetheart, for being so honest and deciding not to take the trip home with me. Thank you Erin Grubbs Doak for trusting me with your perfect baby. Thank you both for reminding me why I do what I do and that it isn't always a straight path. I love you so much Sweetheart and hope I get to spend many more days with you no matter what it looks like 💚
Photo Featuring the most magical girl ever 🥹
