10/05/2024
Been thinking about my kids a lot lately. I was blessed with 4 of my own blood, by others who called me mom later and a beautiful host of nieces and nephews. I have watched a lot of transitions, in many forms, over the years. I was discussing that lately with two whose transitions were from one gender to another about loving who they are now but feeling a sense of loss for who they used to be. One gently pointed out that, although they knew I didn't mean it that way, it could be taken like telling an assault victim I loved how strong they are now but also miss how they were immediately post assault. That's definitely not how I felt and wanted to avoid that impression. I hope I managed that. The other, logically, reminded me the person I think I miss is still part of the magic potion that is the whole person. What follows is my aim for clearly a joyful reflection of watching cherished children find their true selves through the maze of their parents aspirations for them. I hope you all feel as proud of who you are as I am of the honor of being part of your lives and privy to your incredible insight.
This is something of a duet, parts are marked.
Love Your Now, Miss Your Then
(From me)
You weren’t my first love, you were something truer still
A magic in the moonlight that became an iron will
Even as a small one, you had so much on your plate
You had a future as a woman, for which you couldn’t wait.
Now you’ve met that future, with still yet more ahead
Passings, changes, phases and another watershed
You were my second born, you were my only boy
A bouncing, cheerful ball of fluff that nothing could destroy
An enthusiastic grinner who took joy in pets and books
Became a sober man a bit less whimsical in looks
I watched you meet that future, watched the man that you became
Knowing that you’re still yet not the man that you will be someday
I love your now, miss your then
I wouldn’t turn you back again
I see the wonder you became
Out of the wee thing that you were
Humbled by the part I played
My eyes begin to blur
I’ve heard third time’s the charm and yours was extra lucky
You came early, skinny, scary small, bald as an egg and plucky
I’ve seen you shine, I’ve seen you dim, and then shine brighter still
I see you’re still making battle plans and charging up the hill
I cried when you got married but not for options missed
You still sought transformation, your life by change still kissed
You were my fourth and final babe, at least that’s what I thought
You were the last I bore, it’s true, but not the last I caught
You were the youngest longest in the sunset of that time
I didn’t see enough of it, I know the fault is mine
Your eyes are an adult’s now holding still the glow of youth
As well as wisdom, pain and hope, a flower yet to bloom
I love your now, miss your then
I wouldn’t turn you back again
I see the wonder you became
Out of the wee thing that you were
Humbled by the part I played
My eyes begin to blur
You were my first surprise child, I’m glad you weren’t my last
In truth you were almost a man, your childhood almost past
I cried when you first reached for me, to hug before departing
It seemed to take so many years, all worth it and so heartening
Your changes have been subtle, but I could see them still
I feel I know you better now, glad we’ve more years to fill
Not only were you not the last, you brought in still more
You seemed so shy and delicate, as if you had no core
You were also not a child, but not yet quite mature
And I had no idea of the history you endured
I know our start was rocky, I hadn’t seen where you came from
But I see where you’re going and I’m proud to be your mom
I love your now, miss your then
I wouldn’t turn you back again
I see the wonder you became
Out of the wee thing that you were
Humbled by the part I played
My eyes begin to blur
I’ve since been blessed with children of incalculable worth
Daughters, sons and offspring to whom I did not give birth
I did not hold them in my belly but held them in my heart
Their vic’tries made my soul sing, their pains a poisoned dart
Some chose me while still young others came when they were grown
I’m glad I’ll see what changes come to all who are my own.
I love your now, miss your then
I wouldn’t turn you back again
I see the wonder you became
Out of the wee thing that you were
Humbled by the part I played
My eyes begin to blur
(From the child/ren)
Hey, Mom, I want to answer to what I’ve heard you say here
I know you loved us deeply, never doubted you were sincere
I recall you were creative and how hard I watched you try
And how your failures hurt us all when your life went awry
I loved when I was little as I had no other voice
I still watch you try your hardest and now love you as a choice.
I love your now, past is passed
It only serves as a contrast
I see the sage that you became
From the broken youth before
It’s ok to let her go now
You are that girl no more
(Together)
I love your now, pictures fade
Memory’s a masquerade
Take that best that is our now
To make the best that will be soon
The sands of time will blow
Into an endless sea of dunes.