Flamingo Equine Performance & Rehabilitation specializes in tailored training, conditioning, and recovery to enhance your horse’s potential.
02/15/2025
TO THOSE WHO ARE IN THE HORSE BUSINESS…
A seldom spoken challenge that comes with being a horse professional is that of finding friendship beyond horsemanship. This key aspect of mental wellness is a tricky one to recognize and navigate. I know that I am not the only one who has struggled in this regard.
People often want to be one’s friend because, let’s face it, horse(wo)men weirdly rank right up there with rock stars. I’m not sure why, whether it goes back to the old days of the cowboys on the silver screen or whether people just love the idea of being with those who are experts in an area of one's own fascination?
If we’re not careful, we can become guarded. It feels as though most everyone who approaches us is after something. They maybe are seeking mentorship or guidance in a world that seems laden with mystery. Maybe they just want help with a horse. Maybe they want to share in the sparkle of your well-regarded name, your winning barn front, or your online platform.
It becomes a challenge, finding out if they’re really wanting your ragtag family at their holiday table, or if they’re just getting their ducks in a row, lining up an extra speaker or clinician, in case of a keynote cancellation before next year’s event. True story.
We think they want to know us for who we are, as ordinary people. It can come as a surprise and a hurtful disappointment to find out that we were wrong.
For me, friendship has to offer balance. I have to stand a chance of getting the same something out of the friendship, as does the other person. This might come in the form of laughter about shared experiences. Often, a good friendship will allow one to learn from the other, to stretch and dip one’s toe into unchartered waters.
Some of our best, deepest friendships are with those who don’t know one end of a horse from the other, nor are they ever going to be interested enough to ask! These people actually offer a much-needed break from being ‘on’ all the time.
I became very good friends with a larger-than-life character with whom I drove school bus for many years. It was not that she didn’t like horses; it’s just that she never once thought about them. They were nowhere on her radar. Being with her was like being on holiday.
Most of all, though, I seek a balance in friendship that offers me the chance to learn something, too. I want to be intrigued and made to think about all of life that exists in lanes other than my own. I want to be able to give back to my friend in a similar way!
Other horse professionals find companionship in those with whom they hike in the mountains, or go fishing, or golfing, or gardening, or singing, or playing pickle ball. This break from the thing we so identify with, earn our livings by and feed our families, is so necessary for our mental wellness. I don’t think it’s mentioned nearly enough.
When we spend our waking hours looking after and training horses, fostering clients, teaching lessons, doctoring, staying up all night with a colic and then, hauling everyone to shows on the weekends, we run the very real risk of burnout.
It doesn’t matter how much one loves the life, it’s so easy to become ‘tired and wired’. Addictions, accidents and affairs become an ever-present danger.
It doesn’t matter how much we love what we do, sometimes we need a break in the form of a friend who doesn’t compete with us, or care a hoot about horses. For some of us, though, only the friend who has walked our walk, stood in our boots, can really understand. So, it depends.
Finding adult friendship can be difficult in the best of times. It can take on a whole new level of nuance and need with those in the horse business.
Just as a married couple is under a huge amount of outside stress when both husband and wife make their living raising or training horses, judging and teaching other people, the close friends who just happen to be professional horse(wo)men can find the inevitable shoptalk and comparisons unhealthy.
I have a friend who is a mostly-retired trainer now. When we meet, we go out for lunch and laughter. We talk about the good old days, house renos and current events, mostly. Without ever discussing it, we unanimously skirt the issues of training horses, keeping clients happy and the rising costs involved. It works for us.
I would say that loneliness and exhaustion are the major players in the rising depression amongst horse trainers, teachers and veterinarians. Well, those, along with the crushing pressures of staying afloat, plus the public perception that we’re the bad guys, in it for the money and never the animals.
You can admit to just about anything, other than to being a horse trainer, nowadays.
Yes, we give hard advice. Many of our relationships have a monetary value placed upon them. We are to look and act as professionals, advised to keep those in our immediate circle at an arm’s-length and in many cases, we’ll be on guard should someone start feeling too close.
We must always watch what we say, lest we breach someone’s confidentiality. More and more, I'm finding that clients want to share very private matters of their lives, before and after lessons. Do you stop them, oh-so-gently, or do you bear witness and shoulder one more thing?
Horse pros are often put upon that uncomfortable ‘expert’ pedestal, never to show moments of weakness, or times when we behave badly, make poor choices or human mistakes.
We’re to relate to animals and people without allowing ourselves feelings, or so it seems. With social media, new pressures have amped up. Rightly or wrongly, we’re on display now—24/7—just one surreptitious video away from riding for a fall.
I, too, have been burned by supposed friendships gone sour.
It’s not a matter of ‘seasons and reasons’ in the horse business. Very often, horse people present themselves as genuine when they’ve been hurt—by their own mentors, partners and clients—and they’re carrying a lot of heavy baggage. When friendships go sour, it can really damage one's business and good name.
In my lonely island state, I’ve been quick to offer safe harbour to others and I’ve been fooled. Rather than risk more breached boundaries, it becomes easier to build walls.
We can go along for years, feeling alone and misunderstood, only to learn that there are good people out there, should we become hurt. Yes, that’s the ever-present danger that few outside the business really ‘get’. It comes as a shock to receive offers by other already-overwhelmed professionals to help ride one’s horses, do the chores and even, to send money to one’s bank account. It is an unspoken code amongst soldiers and it can come as a surprise.
“You are one of us. You are living out our greatest fears. We’ve got you and you’re going to be all right.” It becomes a new skill to master, this accepting help from others, lying back and resting—healing a broken body and spirit—allowing one’s vulnerability to show for a while, like a hem come undone.
If I could give my younger self any advice on the subject, I would say that friendship—with those who can be trusted to show you who they really are—tends to be a rarity between people in the horse business. When you find someone who deserves a place in your inner circle, a person who gives the same amount of support and acts of service as he or she expects in return, you are rich beyond measure.
As we age, we don’t need hordes of followers. We need one, or two, friends who know us and love us, anyway. In this regard, I can honestly see that I’ve also been blessed.
When this happens, we can only vow to treat the other with love and respect. To never, ever ‘triangulate’ or share their secrets with clients or those who might pry, for the horse world is a small one. Leaks, if they can be traced back to us, will be found. They will not be forgotten.
Whether or not your person is ‘horsey’, you can thank your lucky stars. Go for the hike. Meet for lunch. Sing. Learn to play pickle ball.
Your horses and family will thank you.
