05/08/2024
Is your horsemanship a conversation?
Yesterday, on my flight home from teaching in the UK, I sat next to a man who made me think about what it means to have a conversation.
The flight was packed and boarding procedure had been somewhat chaotic, even with gate personnel shouting at passengers. After we had settled down in our seats, with me having a middle seat, the man sitting next to me on the aisle and I started talking.
I quickly learned that he was an American doctor living in California, where he had a general practice. We first talked a bit about politics, which is not a topic I’m very keen on, but because I had nothing else to do, and I always enjoy getting to know other people, I went along with it.
After a couple of minutes, he steered the conversation towards religion, which is a topic I’m even more reserved about because just as with politics, or maybe even more so, I find that many people can be quite dogmatic about religious views, and especially about really excepting religious views of other people.
I am born and raised in Germany, where we don’t really talk a lot about religion, and it is seen as somewhat of a private matter. Which is why I found it a bit intrusive when he directly asked me if I am religious, and if I believed in God. I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction as gracefully as I could, but he didn’t get the hint and started to talk about the Bible.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy when someone is enthusiastic about a certain topic because I can also talk about horses the whole day long. However, he became really quite intense and did not take any of my subtle hints that this was not really a topic I’m very much interested in, or know much about. On the contrary, this seemed to raise more determination from his side. He went into this lengthy monologue without even leaving one little space or gap for me to inject a question or a remark. Other passengers started to turn around and look at him to see who was talking so loudly. At some point I interrupted him and told him as politely as I could that I very much appreciated that he found something of value in his life but that this is not really a topic I would like to talk about.
Rather than changing the topic, he got even more agitated, bringing forth even more arguments. The young woman next to me threw me a glance and raised her eyebrows as if to say, boy, I’m really happy I don’t have your seat.
I tried other ways to change the subject or make him stop talking to me. I inquired if he had children or how he likes living in California. I even pretended to fall asleep, but to no avail. At some point I got up and pretended to have to go to the toilet, stalling a little bit in the galley, not wanting to return to my seat. I made a plan to sit down at my place very quickly and to put on my headphones and just watch something on my iPad so I could get out of the conversation, but as soon as I reappeared in his field of vision, he started talking again.
I have done quite a bit of flying, but this was one of the longest and most unpleasant flights in my life. I was so glad when the plane landed, and people scrambled to get up and get their luggage (he was still talking to me) and then I could finally excuse myself. I exited the plane as fast as I could, making my way to passport control. He tried to catch up with me twice saying how much he enjoyed our conversation. I was so glad when I was alone in the taxi. I had to think about how much his idea of a conversation and mine differed. And of course it made me think about horse training.
A conversation is an exchange of thoughts, ideas, or information between two or more individuals through spoken or written communication.
I see a lot of horsemanship that is not a conversation, but rather a lengthy monologue by the human. How often does it happen that we talk with horses about a subject but they’re not very much interested?
I thought about how horses might feel then, just like I felt tired and drained after talking to that man on the plane. Probably uncomfortable, pressured, overwhelmed.
Do we actually realize when our horses do not want to participate in our conversation? Do we take their hints to change the subject? Do we wait for an answer or are we just interested in hearing ourselves talk? Does it matter at all to us what they think about it or do we just try to convince them?
Just like I was keen to get out of the plane, maybe they would try to get out of the riding arena? And just like I would not like to enter a plane together with that man ever again, would they be reluctant to enter the riding arena again?
I also didn’t take up any of the information that was presented to me, because I just really wanted to be somewhere else. In the end, I just wet blank and stared at the seat in front of me.
The thing is, he didn’t use physical violence and he didn’t insult me. He seemed like an intelligent man. He just had this incredible need to express himself and through that caused me to first try to avoid, then escape, then shut down. And I just wondered about if that’s how horses feel sometimes with us, and our fast way to express ourselves, our fast thoughts and many ideas.
Back home, I enjoyed a very quiet evening with my dog. This experience has reinforced my thoughts on how much and in what manner we present things to the horse, and I promised myself to listen even more, so that my horses and I could really have a conversation.
