07/11/2023
EVERY MORNING SINCE 5/22/2023 I wake up open my eyes and cry for hours that I'm still alive in this he'll I'm in.
I want NOTHING MORE than to die, I don't want to live anymore but I want to make sure that I don't "TRY" and kill myself and open my eyes and find that I am still in this he'll, that somehow they saved my life and I have to try and find my way back from an even worst place. That they want to FORCE me into sone mentally unstable home for depressed people just because I don't want to put up with any more of the he'll they keep putting me through just because i refuse to start over, or because I don't want to live in the shame and pain they caused me anymore
NINE YEARS I couldn't succeed, I couldn't move forwards, I couldn't build my dreams or anything I wanted because I spent NINE YEARS FIGHTING TO KEEP WHAT I ALREADY OWNED, WHAT WAS ALREADY MINE, and they think I should start over now? Disabled with no disability coverage even though I fought three years in total poverty trying to get that, and all that was was Medicare and help with prescriptions because all I got was $800/myths cash for me and $400 for Cai that I would not get anymore.
All I wanted to build the onky thing I thought would bring me pride would fill my soul with joy was to help people also reach some level of success in their lives, I couldn't do much but I did that somewhat for many people here who benefitted from my kindness, who I went without so they would not end up homeless, and everyone was used against me, every last one of them threw me under the bus, so that's no longer something that I want, why would I still want to help anyone ekse not that I coukd anyhow since they took everything from me even my will to live I have nothing to give anyways, but why would I? WHEN no one came to my help, no one even cared what they did to me or my children.
I can't even go anywhere near people because even as I sit here with NOTHING they still steal the little I still hold on to, every hotel stole my clothes, my phones, my documents, every person I let near took something from me, no one had any empathy or cared to stop it or really help me, and since I dobt trust anyone anymore I am not easy to deal with and of course the fact that I hurt so much doesn't matter, the fact that it was their doing or that everyone us acting like it's not happening just as they watch it unfold ibfront if theur eyes abd f**k it since everyone us doing it why shouldn't they also get a piece of the pie? Right?
I mean no one will pay any consequences except me of course if I try to call the law and request that they protect me that they do their jobs and enforce my rights than the one that gets threatens with jail or worst is I.
They took my pers, some they tore open like they felt nothing, they mutilated some and left them out to bleed out for me to fibd and know how close to home they had gotten that night, some they poisoned, just how they did to me with drugs trying to make me look like I overdosed, I WISH they had gotten that right, but no matter how much they tried I survived every time, THATS WHY I HAVE TO KILL JYSELF RIGHT, I can't try drugs because it seems I can't die like that. It has to be something that will definitely be permanent.
They took my kids, after they carted away my last two dogs, after they ripped puppies out of my female fogs belly and they gave my enki cancer or books of infection I believe it was a blood infection they took my girls never to be seen again onky because I should have won in the court of appeals they incarcerated me to make me lose and take my home anyways. They didn't care about the laws, my rights, or what was right or wrong they didn't give a f**k that they all were involved in just stealing from me not only what was ALREADY MINE, that I fought for for so long, that they had stolen my life for but what I worked my ass off for to keep and grow and share it with all trying to stop them from throwing us all out on the street and build their cabins fir their rich buddies weddings, but as soon as they convinced everyone not to worry they won't be thrown out than no one cared anymore if I was!
I want nothing more than to sue but I have to do something good with my death because I faiked in life, I faiked them, my kids, I couldn't protect them from these fins, now they are left alone in their lives surrounded by the most evil people that one coukd have ever found to surround them with, it was all me, I fail them, I should have known I was bringing them to hell, I should have done some research, I should have checked the area, I should have stated away from my exhusband long ago, I should have known best I should not have let my ignorance put them through all thar they have had to endure because of my choice to view that property as a blessing when in fact it was Satan that was selling me this as a scam and I should have known she wasn't a Christian but at that moment I believed that God was sending me a blessing that I coukd share with everyone who also needed to be blessed.
They took my God, I'm sorry I have tried, but I just can't believe that a God woukd let people like this hurt people like us, and hurt children and everyone just stands by and watches without lifting a finger to put a stop to it because everyone is so scared that what they have done to me will be done to them too. And no one even tries to speak ip ir do right because they dobt believe in God either, they don't expect God to cone to their rescue, they know very well that if these demons turn on them they will be left all alone with no obe to cone and put a stop to it, that there is no God that will intervene in their behalf and they will have to end up like me with nothing and no one on their side with nothing to live for and everyone agaibst them.
They took everything from me, I dobt believe in love, or the goodness I thought for sure woukd eventually prevail, there's no loyalty, no future no good deed no faith or goal or dream, because it has all made null and void by them who thought and clearly were right that there us more evil than good in life, that everyone will pmay along and destroy a life for them out if greed, envy or fear, it doesn't matter because in any way they will all play along and attack the prey they choose for them to destroy. It doesn't matter how good, how pure, how giving or nice, it doesn't matter whether they are demons usibg God's name in vain, or if they have to break every law to take it all, they knew everyone would be OK with tearing me down and helping them extremely rich and powerful to steal and take without fear of consequences with the use of the power of the courthouse, and the force of law enforcement they knew they would take it all destroy me and walk away without ever having to pay fir any of it.
I can't live like this, I can't breath I can't think my brain is mush my heart is shattered, it hurts to think to blink to even try and figure out how to go abiut even putting one foot infrobt of the other.
What hurts the most is my chikd, that I sit here not knowing if sges already dead, if they caused permanent brain damage like they did the newvirn babe that everyone allowed them to hurt through his bottle just trying to make me look bad that was enough to make it OK to almost kill a newborn child, no one said a word, no obe was outraged, no one cared what they did, they all turned away from him and walked away like it didn't matter, just as they are doing now with Cai, as they ruin her life and leave her alone in this world, because you all know that now they act like they care about her, that they will take her in and have her back that she doesn't need her ignorant mother who loves her more than life itself the onky one who would always look out fir her first, that they will fill that gap and make sure she's git somebody in her corner, but as soon as they are done taking it all from me and I am gone and out if the way fir good, they will throw her away, they will show their true colors and that's when she will fibd herself alone in a workd of people that dobt care about anyobe ekse bu themselves and unless she has somehow found a way to take care of just herself and not care abiut anyibe ekse she will fibd that she has no one that she was left alone in this world and that they took everything away from her while she agreed with them then she will see that all she really had was her mother snd I will be lobg gone by then.
Maybe if I do my death right I can at least leave them proud of that, maybe they will think of me from time to time and even though I brought them shame, and even if they are embarrassed to say my name outloud, they might think for a second to themselves not even outlook but in secrecy they might feel a tinge of proud of my death causes someone to pause and decide that what happened here was a disgrace, the lowest that any of them had ever stooped, that this was evil to the bone and that they might just at least share the story of how a town didn't care about anyobe or morals or God, or any vows made to be a certain kibd of citizen whike turning their ba KS on everyone and hurting anyone that got on their way, they reached their goals of acquiring more money land and power and that this was more important than ethics, morals or values, and that this will not stand anymore, maybe my death will be regret to some for having played along and maybe it will cause a few consequences or at least an investigation, so I can't kill myself yet for those two reasons because before I die I have to make sure that no one will save me when I decide is time to go and that I leave enough evidence behind, and send what happened to as many places as I can fibd so hopefully when I die EVERYONE as many as possible will know EXACTLY why, which judges played along with no remorse, which lawyers are just criminals, which women and school staff were involved in hurting my child, who s**t my tsti and who took without a care to ever try and have my back in return, who pur hated the properties knowing full well what they were taking and from whom, and why and how we're done as illegally as they coukd, because they had no right to even file to get it sold no bank to say they used to foreclose no rights my ex had he had signed those away in a prenuptial and I had a judge say so but they still took my land anyway breaking laws because the people who were meant to uphold the law were the biggest criminals of all were the ones involved in the murder and then in the kidnapping of my chikd and the abuse and r**e they put me through all infrobt of everyone as if I had no rights as if I was trash as if I had no say no way to protect me no care at all, as if I had ever hurt any of them, as if I was a bad person when non of them can speak a word agaibst me other than I cursed them out someday because they hurt me, because they betrayed me, because I gave to them and stood up for them onky do they coukd then turn agaibst me as my thanks for all I had done.
I want to die so much and so badly I get mad I am still alive I feel like a bigger dunbass that I can't fibd tge way out right now, that I'm worried I fail at everything and I'm such stupid ignorant f**k that I wobt get even that right and I don't want to be saved, I dobt want to open my eyes and be in this he'll still, I want to die permanently I want this pain to end I want to stop having to fight everyone for what has always been mine, I have no strength to fight back anynore, I dobt even think I woukd know how anyways, I no longer can remember anything my brain has been so scrambled that I can't even think how I am goibg to make it out even though all I want out with is death, even that I worry I wobt know how to do it right and I'll fail it somehow and I will left here on earth again forced to suffer alone and without anything I had buikt having been robbed of all I had buikt and everything I believed and having been shown that there is not more good than bad, that people don't give. F**k about anyibe other than themselves and why should they? When they can't even count on a God showing up to protect them from these evil ways, they are on their own if they dobt play along they might just have to be forced to live through he'll themselves without a prayer or hope of an angel ir anyone comibg to their rescue, and it was my fault anyway I should ha e shut my mouth and let my daughter be thrown out like garbage like she was, and I should have known that I was going to lose it all anyway and that I was not good enough to fight off all by myself and that no one would show up and help and that in the end it would just get worst and worst, I was the stupid dunbass bitch that believed that good that would prevail in the end that truth mattered and the laws would eventually be followed, I was the moron thought that thought integrity mattered, that I could stand tall and erect myself strong agaibst the face of such evil acts by those who clearly have no respect or love for God or its rules because God would give me the strength and put in my way those angels who coukd or woukd help me along the way, how dumb was I? Right? I never found God, no angels were passed by no obe cared in the end, all o found was love was fake, my chikd got hurt, my brain earned, my faith torn out, no God showed no angels stood erect, ready to fight these evil horned ones away, no obe came, no obe cared no obe trued to help stop them, everyone helped them even when I saw they woukd ha e rather not, they chose to sell their sound rather than stand in faith because they saw my faith as strong as it was had still not been good enough, they saw even though i myself was titanium they were still able to destroy me and erase wvery crumb of work blood tears and sweat that I put ibto inti this dream into my goals and ibto everything I trued to build for others too, and they saw that even though I had been blessed with brains that soajed up information so fast I was keeping up with them they were still able to make me dumb and use my love and how much I cared for all as a weakness they coukd turn agaibst myself. They saw there was no way to win no God wiukd cone no obe would protect them either and they decided they rather turn agaibst me than stand with me against them, they decided being 100% good and having integrity and faith and standing with their brethren agaibst evil did not pay off and the onky obes that had a chance of any reward was the ones that helped them hurt Mr, and they decided that this was best for them, because clearly there's nothibg to gain in helping one another whike they can lose everything if they stood with me.
And I can't blame them. They are right, there's no way to win, God wont show up to help us, we have to be martyrs because there is no other way about it, so I get it, I don't blame them, it hurts but I understand them, I wish I had been able to show them that God did care and that in the end he showed and protected us, but he didn't not for me not for Jesus, not for anyobe in between, he never appeared, he never helped us, he was never there to begin with I believe. We all hope that we could make you believe like we believe in him, but in the end we are all dead, having lost everything and can't say that we have seen God show up or lift us, for the love we give everyone or the faith we wasted in him or the tons of thibgs that we lost along the way just because we wanted to believe...we wanted to believe in him.
All I wa t now is to die with some dignity, hopefu6fibd a way that when they see my name as the victim they will know why I took my life and hopefully I can accomplish in death what I could not in life, theycwill start discussing what was done, how easily I could have gone any moment but ibsread I held on fir just a little bit longer lobg enough to spread the word lobg enough to make reporters want to do my story upon my death, maybe that's the obky hope I have left. Maybe that's the onky thing waiting for me now
