Holistic Equine Relationship Development - HERD

Holistic Equine Relationship Development - HERD Building horse and human relationships through connection and enjoyment. Animal communicator.

10/21/2025

You cannot train the horse that won't let you train them.

You cannot teach the horse that won't let you teach them.

You cannot administer body work to the horse who won't let you treat them.

You cannot vet a horse that won't let vetting happen to them.

You cannot care for a horse who won't let you care for them.

This is obvious, what is less obvious about this, is that compliance has nothing to do with it.

The great Tina Turner once sang, "What's love got to do with it?". I say "What's obedience got to do with it?" I have often seen leveraged obedience mask deep resentment, and quiet discontent in horses handled skilfully enough to BEHAVE like a happy horse, but not skilfully enough to BE a happy horse.

Just because a horse is DOING it, or allowing it to happen, does not mean they are receptive, or allowing it into their body.

Body Work treatment forced upon a horse is dead in the water in helping them be sounder. Training leveraged onto a horse, no matter how elegant and light it may look, can hide the deep misgivings the horse has about what is being done to them and with what tools. You can shove a medicine down a non-compliant horses throat but that horse will not be easier to handle next time just because you did it.

Which is why I continue to push back against the rhetoric shift in the horse world this year. Influencers whom 12 months ago promoted patience, connection and ethics, suddenly in 2025 came out stridently against the "Horse First" world, but this time using the "Horse First" vocabulary against the community they once spotlighted. The word for that is betrayal.

Let us not forget, that at the root of all training needs to live a horse who trusts you, likes you, and likes what is being done with them enough, that they co-sign whatever task it is that you chose on their behalf.

Without it, it is not Horsemanship.

It's -Manship.

Its been a while since I posted about Charm. Here he is playing with me, learning to hula-hoop. Our latest challenge, wh...
10/15/2025

Its been a while since I posted about Charm. Here he is playing with me, learning to hula-hoop. Our latest challenge, while keeping steady with boundaries, is wearing "stuff". While sometimes we are wearing normal horsey things like a saddle pad and surcingle, we are also learning to wear things like hula-hoops, string tied around our fetlock, etc. He's such a smart pony and we're enjoying playing these kind of games together! @

10/14/2025

RUPTURE & REPAIR

The idea that in relationships to others, that rupture is normal, but the repair that happens afterwards is what forges a strong connection and a healthier rapport afterwards. A rupture could be a disagreement, an accident, a miscommunication. Anything that causes a break in the flow of good between the two. And this, I have found certainly belongs in horsemanship.

Finding the ability to mature beyond a Behaviourist framework of crafted Yes Questions and Yes Answers only, moving past the Positive Only ideal, and evolving into a place where challenge, push back and firmness is a place holder, without ever tipping over into the dangerous or the abusive.

Yet, as much as I believe there is Rupture and Repair... sometimes there is Rupture and Remove.

And this is where I am finding myself now. I am at a place where in almost every aspect of my life, I am stating who and what I am, and removing anything for which repair is no longer possible.

When you break a vase, you can glue it back together. Or melt down the parts and reforge the glass.

But what about the part when the broken pieces see themselves as Whole? What about the Rupture that causes the breakaway to be a total transformation, so much so that those parts never fit back together again? What about the Sovereignty to refuse to be reforged, because you love who and what you are?

I find myself at this place with Popular Horsemanship. I am not interested in being a bridge, nor am I interested in repairing bonds that would cause me to augment my integrity as a horseman. I think many of us feel this way. We are not interested in Light Force, or Acceptable Sometimes Violence. Many of us want a TOTAL DEPARTURE from a broken system and never want to go back to it, or invite it to return.

And I think we are allowed to do that. To remove it. And move forwards with something else entirely.

09/15/2025

Sending some your way today and every day.

09/03/2025

BOUNDARIES vs EMOTIONAL ENMESHMENT
COMMUNICATION vs APPEASEMENT
GRACE vs GUILT

I watched a TikTok video this morning where a handler had to escalate pressure to get their horse to give them some personal space, because things were getting a little unsafe, and what struck me wasn’t the horse’s response, but the handler’s…

They were overcome with guilt and shame that they hadn’t been able to train ‘perfectly’ to prevent it.

Meanwhile, the horse appeared completely unbothered. If anything, the earlier confusion about whether the handler wanted closeness or distance seemed more stressful than the correction itself.

I’ve seen this pattern often, and have experienced it myself.

And rather than brush it off as a skill issue, I think we need to take a much deeper look…

This often mirrors how many of us experience boundaries in our human relationships.

TO ERR IS HUMAN…

It’s unrealistic to expect ourselves to recognize and navigate boundaries perfectly 100% of the time.

Like the frog in boiling water, sometimes we don’t recognize there’s a problem until things start to heat up.

And while I think it’s great to use these moments as learning opportunities and allow hindsight to guide us, guilt and shame shouldn’t drive us.

We need to give ourselves a little bit of grace instead of guilt.

It’s not healthy to shame spiral every time we have to set a boundary.

This often comes from confusing a boundary with punishment.

In this example, what the horse experienced wasn’t harm, it was clarity, and this is where it’s really important not to project our own experiences and feelings about boundaries onto what the horse is actually experiencing and feeling in the moment.

WE CAN’T SET BOUNDARIES WITH POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT…

We can positively reinforce behavior around our boundaries.

For instance, “Thank you for giving me some space, I really appreciate that!”

But we cannot communicate the threshold of a boundary through positive reinforcement.

Read that again.

Because it’s a lot deeper than a technique, and it’s absolutely applicable to our human relationships.

In human relationships, trying to maintain boundaries with positive reinforcement alone translates to fawning and appeasement behaviors, and I see this leak into our interactions with our horses all the time.

We often try to navigate boundaries solely through positive reinforcement because we’re afraid.

If setting a healthy boundary risks severing a relationship, that’s often an indicator of emotional enmeshment, where individuals aren’t allowed to BE individuals in a relationship.

COMMUNICATION ⧣ CONFLICT

In this situation, the horse wasn’t wrong, and the handler wasn’t wrong, and this is a common dynamic in human relationships, as well.

But settings boundaries can feel jarring to both the one setting them and the one receiving them, because we’ve been conditioned to equate boundary-setting with failure or conflict.

In horses, navigating proximity and distance and practicing collision avoidance are natural, and have nothing to do with dominance, and have no negative impact on relationship.

Maybe we could learn something from that.

Horses model that mutual give and take is what makes room for real connection.

08/27/2025

When Marisa Metzger watched her horses warm up at the Platinum Performance USHJA 3’/3’3” Green Hunter Incentive Championship, friends kept stopping to ask the 34-year-old why she wasn’t in her show clothes.

07/15/2025

The welfare problems in the horse world are really just a mirror image of the problems that plague humanity as a whole.

Prioritization of capital, instant gratification and status above all else.

Individualism taken to the point of extremity, where people feel entitled to behaving however they want without consequence and believe they should be able to do so even in cases where it causes active harm.

Denial of evidence based information in favour of clinging to the false comfort of familiarity. The immense desire to run from information that creates discomfort.

Shame based culture that perpetuates the idea that to grow and change is to be flawed. That it’s somehow shameful to admit to being wrong and change your trajectory accordingly.

The mob mentality of this feeds into people doubling down and continuing to repeat the same mistakes because there is such a fear of admitting wrongdoing.

Black and white thinking that does not allow for true growth. The belief that in order to be a fan of someone, we must idol worship them and overlook their flaws when the truth is that to be flawed is to be human. What speaks the most about someone’s character is how dedicated to personal growth they are.

The welfare problems we see in competition are just the capitalistic desire to constantly product manifesting from within the horse world.

People feel entitled to the obedience of horses, to the labour of horses, simply because they desire a specific outcome and believe it’s their right to obtain it.

People justify a lack of ethics in favour of chasing whatever training methods they feel will bring them desired results sooner, even if they come at a cost to the horse.

Repairing the ethics in the horse world are going to need to involve a systemic shift in what we normalize within human society as a whole.

The world doesn’t revolve around us, despite the fact that we’ve tried to create the notion that it does.

It may feel oppressive to stop centring human desires above all else but that’s just because a lot of us have grown up being taught to center our own wants over the needs of our horses.

This makes it far more convenient for people to blame problem behaviours in horses on “disrespect” or “naughtiness” because it’s an easy way for humans to evade taking accountability and truly looking at the role they play in their horse’s suffering.

We need a revolution of values.

We love to say “the horse always comes first” but this is seldom actually true in practice.

07/01/2025

In this picture, it doesn't look like much is happening. Two handsome horses, standing across a gate in the morning sun. The story behind this picture is one of youngsters making mistakes, bonds forming over short hours but important choices, and the education that one being gives to another. And my...

06/26/2025

The most impactful figure in my life in my early years of eventing was my coach and mentor, P***y McGaughan. He very sadly died in 2020. With his guidance, I climbed the levels of eventing from novice to advanced. Gregarious, funny and smart, he was deeply committed to training horses and riders. He...

06/12/2025

YOU CAN HAVE HIGH STANDARDS, AND NOT BE A CONTROL FREAK.

It may surprise you, but I am not a control freak. But I am also not an anarchist, or chaotic.

I have an allergy to chaos, and strive for a life that is peaceful, and clear.

With my horses, I have high standards for their care and routine, and very high standards for the training for what is, and is not acceptable behaviour towards them.

But I am not a control freak.

We have an intern here with us right now. She was surprised to discover, after following me for a while online, that I was very quick to extend full trust to her to handle my horses, go about the chores independently, and is free to think, act and figure things out for herself.

I am the same with my horses.

I want you to know, that encouraging your horse to think, to feel and to offer their opinions does not mean you must now have a chaotic, spoiled or untrained animal that you cannot do anything with. You can set high standards, and base line boundaries. But in between these two points you can give the horses, and the people, in your life a lot of freedom to find their way.

It is also a way I make life 100% easier on me, it is an act of kindness to allow others to make mistakes, think for themselves and try.

At clinics recently, many instances occurred where people wanted me to
1. Tell them what to do (As if they had no idea of their own)
2. Tell them what is wrong with them (As if I was perfect)
3. Totally control all their actions around their horse (As if mistakes are forbidden)

And I just point blank refuse.

"What would you like to do today?". Is the approach. I won't dictate that to them. I believe that everyone around me is a functional adult, not a child. So many teachers are deeply, profoundly patronising to horses and horse people. Acting like they make no mistakes and know inherently what is good for everyone else.

I do not.

If I crash upon the mind of someone else, occupy all their thinking space, and tell them what to do... they never learn to think for themselves.

Same with horses.

And thinking involves periods of CONFUSION where you ponder your options. I won't save anyone from that. Because I do not see confusion as bad. I see it as an essential stepping stone towards thoughtfulness and authentic understanding.

But, in this day and age, we are at the pointy end of a multi-generational experiment to create legions of thoughtless people. Thoughtlessness is KING, taking action without thinking is lauded as a job well done.

I refuse to believe that is healthy.

And I refuse to accept the invitation from others to control the way they live, think, feel and act. But instead teach from a place of deep personal confidence, and desire to share information in a mutual way.

I was invited down to TN to teach a workshop/clinic. We had great fun, great weather, and great equines.
05/19/2025

I was invited down to TN to teach a workshop/clinic. We had great fun, great weather, and great equines.

03/03/2025

Be deeply, wildly, shamelessly affectionate with your horses. You are allowed. Not only allowed, that's a direct order.

Somehow, it has become cool to be careless. Rugged individualism and masochistic work addiction translate to a scenario where the biggest show of effort from a horse is met with a nonchalant pet from a rider trying to be cool, or a vulgar hard slap-slap-slap from a rider trying to prove, all too loudly, that the horse "pleased" them.

Pet the horse. Open soft land, stroke. Not a slap, unless your horse likes vigorous pressure. I have one of those at home. If he was a human it would be Deep Tissue Massage or Get Outta Here with your skin rubs.

Every horse will like affection catered differently. For some, they want your hands OFF. Touch is too intense, too crass. It is enough for you to stand there and glow about them. Just glow, from inside and out. They glow back. And you squirm with pride. Glow worm.

When someone calls their horse names, I have to wonder who encouraged them to go so far up Sh*t Creek? Don't you realise that the forces that made the Galaxy, mountains, and that grass over there is the same power that made you, and made your horse?

It is a miracle to be alive.

You want to spend the precious little time we have in our life being CYNICAL? Being stoic or even harsh towards animals that safekeep your body during fun and/or necessary activities? When did you forget that you get only one life? And in your last breath, are you going to be grateful that you spent your time with your horse calling them a jerk, bitch, as***le, idiot etc etc etc. How ridiculous. Stop it.

It is deeply, profoundly foolish to not be affectionate to your horses. Got a horse that challenges you, frustrates you, annoys you, or makes your life hard? Sure. We all do. Get it out of your system and then walk your nervous system back home.

Say thank you.
I love you.
I am grateful for you.
I think you are the best.
Thank you.

Repeat.

That is your prescription today! Shed the skin of the toxic stoicism we have all been taught to embody as some form of Legitimate Horse People Are Rarely Affectionate Or Impressed By Their Horse. Unless the horse performs some kind of miracle.

If you do not tell your horse they are fabulous, how will they ever be fabulous?

Ever had a horse do the same for you in return? You gotta give it, to get it.

Try it. It doesn't hurt I promise.

Your friends laughing at you? For being kind to your horse? Can you hear how utterly insane that is? Discover your confidence to embody that care and nurturant love with your horses and shake your head in disbelief at the fools who think that's foolish... or take them out to lunch and ask them when their pain started. Only people in pain withhold love. Nothing sadder.

But you do not have to. You can just decide, right now, and implement it, right now.

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