06/07/2024
You go to a restaurant and you use your phone: it works the same way it does at home. It works the same way it does in the restaurant as it does when you go to the grocery store. You pass the phone to a friend, it will work the same way it does with you. Alone, at a party, even in another country, same response. If the signal is spotty you may not get as fast of a response, but you don’t wonder if your phone just doesn’t respect you or needs to be shown who is boss.
We’ve become so conditioned to machines and devices that just DO and respond the SAME way in every context they are put in that we often lose sight of the fact that animals, sentient beings, and ourselves, behave differently in different contexts and that’s completely normal and expected and part of life. I know I behave completely differently in a crowded party with strangers than I do alone with my best friend. I know that when I’m in pain or stressed or feel pressured my behaviors will be different than when I’m relaxed and comfortable. How I handle a conflict with a stranger versus my husband, in public versus at home etc etc, This isn’t new information, yet I find myself reminding clients this all the time. Your dog can be wonderful and love playing with other dogs off leash, but on leash in another context behave completely differently. This isn’t weird or bad. This is normal. Context will often change behavior, unless you’re a machine.
Your dog is not programmable, and even when we think they are predictable they can still surprise us. Your dog may love handling and enjoy you rubbing his belly on the couch, but absolutely panic and get defensive when handled and restrained at the vet. Different context, different relationships, different responses. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your dog, it means you need to work on coping skills in those particular contexts that elicit that response, even if that means management to prevent further escalation. The problem comes when we just assume because our dog is FINE in one scenario and context, they should be fine in all. They aren’t cell phones or laptops or cars.
I know this is hard sometimes to grapple with because predictable feels safer when it comes to animals. So unfortunately we often resort to training that gives us that predictably simply by suppressing any reaction at all. DONT move, don’t react, don’t do anything unless I say, immediately when I say. But that’s not healthy. That’s not a relationship, that’s a dictatorship.
Real relationships happen and develop and strengthen when you accept someone (this goes for people and dogs and all species) for what they are, who they are in all contexts and allow them the space to be that way and support them. Just as you would want yourself understood. What’s amazing is when you do that, you actually get MORE predictability in different contexts than less, because there’s trust between you now. It’s taken me a long time to learn that, and love the fact that they are animals, and I’ll never fully understand or know them and they will still surprise me. But, I’m here for the lessons and the journey.