08/02/2024
In this article from 2005, our founder Dr Sife talks about how we can come to terms with devastating loss.
Letting Go – Dr. Wallace Sife
At first, the words “letting go” can be very upsetting to a person in mourning. In some ways it is like “closure” which is also a fine psychological term in most applications. But we have come to realize this should not be used in bereavement counseling. Both of these expressions can have a negative reaction on someone who is still suffering the shock of loss. Bereavement is trauma, and it can take a very heavy emotional toll from most of us. And it can create distortions in perspective and logic. Fortunately, this is a time process, and the intensity and pain subside.
Life is like a river, always flowing and moving us, even though we generally do not pay attention to the current. We tend to focus on the immediate prospect, and are totally enveloped in the here and now of it all. But the flow is unending. And if we look at the larger picture, everything is in a state of motion and change. That is the way of all things. We have learned that even stars, planets and galaxies are in a constant flow and transformation.
Ultimately, all life and existence is change and growth. Clinging to the past for security does not work. This can be a very hard lesson to accept. But perhaps not so surprisingly, it is one that our deceased loved ones can actually help teach us. Yet it may be nearly impossible to be that philosophical, when in deep grief. There is no quick relief. It takes time.
We are all on a very personal journey, here – with our beloved companion animals as temporary guides. Somehow, our spiritual self has to recognize this and meet itself, in this vast Oneness of all things. It is inspiring to discover that we are actually capable of reaching deep down within ourselves, to come up with some amazing insights. But that is not so easy, and it takes a lot of pain and soul-searching. And it also requires letting go of stored-up scraps of personal “baggage”. If this is achieved our dependencies and ego involvements take on a completely different outlook. And we can mourn in a dissimilar way, with far less pain. Actually, the love becomes even more meaningful and permanent, within our new selves.
Our changing Western culture is placing an ever- increasing flawed emphasis on the now-ness of everything. It is fostering a much more impersonal societal uniformity. Without fully realizing it, we have become desensitized cogs in the great mechanism of contemporary civilization, and the individual is in danger of losing some awareness and respect for who he/she really is. We are conditioned in many ways to focus on each moment, while losing sight of so much. It is like the paradox of not seeing the forest because of all the trees.
This almost irresistible recent social conditioning engenders an escapist illusion, with audio distraction and superficial gratification. We seek relief and avoidance – even from our own selves and our inner wisdom – and our essential perspectives are being submerged. The ever-present headphones and cell phones have to be put aside.
As a survival process many have reverted to a reliance on their possessions and personal “security blankets”. Status, ego involvement, ownership and dependency have become disproportionately important to us. For protection in an ever-threatening and sometimes frightening world many of us are tending to create emotional cocoons around ourselves and our most treasured things. We can safely hide there – even from ourselves. But not for long.
Death may still seem a terror and mystery without any comfortable answers. It scares and confuses most people, more than anything else, and we try to ignore it. Of course, that kind of escapism can be only temporary.
We desperately want to cling on to our own comfortable images, as well as the lives we love. But as we all really know, this is not possible. Somehow, we have to face and accept the reality of what life is – and move on. We can’t stop the river from flowing. Each death is only a part of the entire continuation of things. It is like a single punctuation mark in a vast library. We need to learn to confront and contemplate the relevance of death – as best as we can – in order to overcome the blind, reflexive fear we have of it.
It is fascinating to talk with people who have had a near-death experience – on the operating table or otherwise. Almost all of them report a sudden wondrous new tranquility and acceptance of death. They came so close, and were returned. In these people the fear is completely replaced by an
extraordinary sense of spiritual acceptance and peace. There must be a lesson here for the rest of us.
It can be a natural reaction to become over-dependent on our relationships. We are sentient, feeling, social creatures, and have a great need to find love and gratification in our lives – giving and getting. Unfortunately, we become mired in our routines and ways of thinking and doing things, and we can set ourselves up for emotional disaster when radical change is forced upon us.
What is more natural and wonderful than the bond we form with our beloved pets? They provide us with a marvelous and much-needed sense of love, completion and security. It is as if we were meant to discover this and evolve together. They also become reminders, and help us identify and rediscover important parts of our innermost selves – that each of us has learned to forget, as we grow older and more “civilized”.
The bonds we develop with our beloved companion animals in many ways can be stronger, purer, and far more intimate than with others of our own species. We feel loved and secure in sharing our secret souls with them. How often can this be safely done – even with a spouse? So when a dear pet’s life ends, it is very understandable and normal for us to grieve and suffer a unique and profound sense of bereavement. It can feel as if a great part of one’s secret self has died, as well. Actually, this can be very complex, as it involves much more than the heartbreaking loss. In addition to having to suddenly learn how to cope with the death we have to deal with the termination of the dependency we created. Fortunately, the deeply personal spiritual connection remains unbroken, as an ongoing part of us. We eventually learn to understand that healing from the pain, and finding resolution is not disloyalty or a compromise of that love.
Change in our continuing growth and evolution is one of the many things in life that our beloved pets seem to be here to help us with. Learning about this from them is one of the gifts they leave behind for us. To ignore it would be such a shame and additional loss. We are obligated to our loved ones – to honor them and go on with our lives, enriched with the love, memories and experience.
The flow intimately governs our own personal timeline and identity. We learn through our tears that we still move on – always carried and changed by the current. When in deep mourning many may feel they do not want to continue living without their loved one. But that is our passion, our emotional response – which at the time can override our more rational selves. Yet something deep within each of us innately realizes that we must go on. And somehow, we do, despite the terrible anguish and seeming impossibility of it all, at the time. That beloved pet – which is part of us – is also a part of the cosmos. He or she has only shifted form and dimension.
During bereavement many of us discover a great need to develop some sense of personal spiritual connection and perspective to the cosmos. We can respond to this in various ways with traditional religious ideologies, or by a deeply personal inward journey and exploration. A new existential examination can be a legacy to us from our beloved ones.
They pass away, leaving us to remain and seek answers, and emerge as better people, because of them. As suggested earlier, even stars and galaxies are born and die, in their turn. And each leaves behind the seeds of enrichment and growth for later generations. That is the way of all things.
So many people in deep mourning are afraid of "letting go". They think it is letting go of the love and memories. But it really is the releasing of the sharp edge of the debilitating pain, so we can continue with our ongoing lives. After a while, when we finally get to the resolution stage of bereavement, we come to realize that our deceased beloved pets become an enduring part of us. That is one of the many marvels of love we are privileged to learn from them. Mourning is the terrible emotional price we all have to pay. But despite the anguish how can anyone say that the love and good we gave and got is not worth it all?
Nobody wants to live forever. Think about that. And when we can also somehow put this into perspective for our dear ones, it makes a lot of new sense. But this hard logic can be a difficult concept to accept, when grieving. It will help to also consider, if they outlived us who would care for and love them when they die? Maybe somehow, this is the best way. Death must come to all of us. And we have to reconcile ourselves to that. Denial and self-deception are futile. There is no place to hide.
It is our responsibility to ourselves – as well as our dear ones – to move on and evolve into our personal potential. But for now we have to embrace our pain, to better understand and pass through it. Life is a wonderful transition we can barely understand. Yet there is a lesson here that our beloved deceased companion animals can help us learn – in salute their memory. A joyful celebration of that life is our best memorial and tribute. We are not victims, but celebrants. And by achieving this we now honor them, and enrich ourselves, as well.
