04/09/2025
This is just as true with dogs (or any other species) as it is with horses or humans. Respecting the other party’s asks and boundaries and getting active consent for touching builds strong, healthy, trusting relationships. Learn to read your dogs’ body language and how they tell you what they want and don’t want. Invite them to come and be touched instead of moving in and touching them. Pause in your touching and see if they ask you to continue by leaning in. Be patient. Let them initiate contact. The relationship you’ll build is worth the patience you put into it.
INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING
I'm reading an amazing book called Amphibious Soul by Craig Foster, the Academy award winning documentary film maker of "My Octopus Teacher".
If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it, it is simply profound.
In the book he says "As a rule, I never touch an animal unless they touch me first".
In my work building relationship with horses, I do this too. Most times a horse will touch you with their nose/muzzle first, and matching that greeting (versus labelling the horse as a biter) is a game changer.
But there's a phenomenon I have noticed going on with people trying to build relationship with their horses that I have labelled "inappropriate touching", and it looks a bit like the photo below.
This picture was taken at a horse expo in Pennsylvania recently, where I worked with a demo horse who has a "biting issue". He would reaching out in a way that his owner was termed as nipping, whereas I interpreted as him saying hello, similar to reaching out to shake hands with someone.
When he reached out I would greet him with a flat hand that he is able to to nuzzle, lick or even scrape his teeth on. After doing this a while his snappy acting motions got less so, and he was no longer needing to say "hey, pay attention" , but was more "hey, how's it going". I was explaining to the audience that I was meeting him in the way that he was meeting me (with his muzzle) and that it's not an invitation to touch other parts (yet).
I then said that it's many people's default to reach up and rub a horse between the eyes, whether that's what they are offering or not, and that if you do, it's inappropriate touching and it gets in the way of connection. It doesn't meet their needs, and is all about yours.
With the horse in the picture, he'd been engaging me with his muzzle, and I said to the audience "watch what happens when I try to rub him between the eyes". As you can see in the photo, he has raised his head up and is clearly indicating "No, not there, on my muzzle".
We had a Connection And Attunement retreat here at the Journey On Ranch a week ago, and I used my wife Robyn to illustrate this point to the participants. I said "imagine I'm at a gathering and meeting Robyn for the first time". We walked up to each other in that way people do when they see someone new and they can tell an introduction is shaping up, Robyn reached out with her hand to say hello and instead of me reaching out to shake her hand, I gently reached up and lightly brushed a wisp of hair from her cheekbone and tucked it behind her ear.
The participants all gasped and the ick factor was high.
Even though it was caring, and gentle, it was inappropriate at that moment.
Now Im not saying you can't rub your horse on the forehead. I'm saying if your horse has a disregulated nervous system around humans because they don't feel seen (and safe), try to meet their needs first, before trying get get yours met.
I recently saw an instagram post from a University in the UK, and the professor was explaining that they were doing studies on horses to determine levels of stress. In the background a horse was standing with his head out over a Dutch door. While he was explaining their investigations on stress, a female student (or maybe another professor, I don't know which) walked up to the horse. The horse reached out with his muzzle to greet her.
She ignored this and reached up to rub the horse between the eyes.
He turned his head 90 degrees to the left to communicate that wasn't what he was offering.
Her hand followed him and kept rubbing.
he then turned his head 180 degrees to the right, saying "No, not like that".
Smiled, gave him another pet between the eyes, and walked of camera.
While the professor was saying that they are doing experiments determining the amounts of stress horses are under, someone in the background was actually creating stress, without either of them even knowing it.
Once you understand how sentient horses are, and how subtle their communication, you can't unsee it.
