01/17/2025
Accidental attachment ‘parenting’
Taking on a tiny 6 day old puppy unintentionally taught me a great deal about attachment and how crucial secure attachments are for our dogs’ emotional health.
It’s pretty easy to meet our dogs physical needs and that was even quite easy with a tiny puppy- she needed feeding, she needed help toileting and she needed to be kept warm.
It was apparently straight away that meeting these physical needs and leaving her on a heat pad in a pen was in no way going to meet her emotional needs. It’s not just warmth that puppies need, it’s physical contact with a living being. Heat pads, fake heart beats in toys etc for a solo puppy, just doesn’t do it. She was more settled and content in close physical contact- she preferred with me but any other human or dog would do. She wanted to be next to skin and near a heartbeat, at all times and so that’s where she stayed, for as long as she needed it.
The option of close physical contact with someone they are attached to is such a basic need. I’m sure most of us remember hearing about the awful Harlow experiments where monkey babies had the choice of a wire ‘mother’ (with milk) or a soft, cloth ‘mother’ and would choose the soft mother even at the expense of milk, such is that basic need.
I have children and it felt so similar to when my kids were tiny babies too. I certainly didn’t deny them a need to be near me and I didn’t with this tiny puppy either. When they are developmentally ready (human babies and tiny puppies), they choose to be more independent from you and they spread their wings.
Of course it’s not just about the need for physical contact anyway when they are tiny- it’s about the need to feel safe too and that’s a fundamental need that must be met.
When puppies go into new homes at 8 weeks old they don’t suddenly stop having this need for physical contact and to feel safe near a living being. They go from feeling safe near to mum and siblings to being totally dependent on their new human family. It breaks my heart to think of them relegated to a crate in a kitchen. Of course they stop crying after a couple of nights as they give up any hope that anyone will help them. It certainly doesn’t help them to feel safe and secure in the world.
The same goes for an adult rescue dog who has often suffered so much upheaval and broken attachments along the way and who needs more than anything to just feel safe and secure and to have a bond with someone. This need for connection is a basic need that must be met, the same as being fed and watered.
I know people worry that if you ‘pander’ to them and give them lots of company they will become clingy or overly dependant but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Letting them develop a secure attachment results in resilient and confident individuals who feel safe in the world.
I see so many clients who’ve had awful advice and who have been told that their dog has behavioural issues as they are too nice to them, love them too much etc. it’s all absolute rubbish and they won’t turn into a monster if you meet their needs for safety, it’s quite the opposite and you help them to develop to their full potential ❤️
Laura McAuliffe, Dog Communication 2024
