02/16/2023
Love this philosophy for interacting with both people and pets!
We can't control the behavior of others. We can influence their choices, we can change or influence the environment, we can set up scenarios to strive for a more predictable outcome, but we can't ever have complete control.
That feels unsettling. Having feelings of control also ties to feelings of safety.
Control does also get in the way, though. Control removes agency and creativity. It minimizes critical thinking and the ability to build resilience. It also limits the possibility for an even better outcome - maybe one that we hadn't even thought of.
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Today, Katia charged at the glass slider door when she saw a squirrel run by. She barked and launched, startling both Bindi and me. I could have opted for a "training" approach, using redirection, removal, correction, etc. The goal of this approach would have been to control the situation to make me feel more comfortable, to bring back homeostasis and safety in the house, to have less noise, less startle, less concern for the squirrel or the glass window, etc.
But I didn't do that. Instead of control, I opted for curiosity and connection.
I asked from the couch, "what is it? Is something outside?". She looked at me and wagged her tail and looked back out the window to fixate on a specific spot. I walked over to her and repeated the questions. Same response. I looked out the window and realized out loud, "oh it's a squirrel." Then explained, "yeah, that's just a squirrel, it's ok." I took a deep calming breath, I kneeled down next to her, and we watched the squirrel together.
In this case, there was no more barking. She didn't escalate "over threshold". She just watched the squirrel bounce around the trees. She occasionally checked in with me, at which point I calmly praised her, but then looked back at the squirrel with her. Then she laid down. Then she rested her head on the floor. Then she walked away.
This entire interaction lasted maybe 2 minutes. For 2 minutes we connected and were curious together. For 2 minutes I decided to not control, not micromanage, not over analyze or over react. And it was lovely. I feel quite reinforced, and I'll try to do that again.