01/04/2025
It's been a year since I failed you and had to say goodbye. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't feel the guilt and heaviness of the decision I had to make for you. To end your fear and suffering. To set you free. I think of you daily and still cry often- hell, I'm bawling now typing this too.
Day after day. Home after home. Return after return broke your heart and your mind Venus. I’m sorry society failed you, my love. I promise I tried until it broke me and then some. Despite it all, I would have kept you 'til your snoot turned white if it wasn’t cruel to perpetuate your suffering. I can see your face clear as day as you climbed into my lap to be close to me one last time.
My only consolation is You will never be afraid again, You will not continue to suffer as your mind slips away from you and I got to hold you in my arms gazing into those beautiful brown eyes willing my love into you one last time. I will never, ever forget you and you will always have somewhere to call home here with me in my heart. I hope that your next reincarnation is kinder.
Hold your pitties tight for me tonight....
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“Kristina? You’ll stay with me the whole time, right?” He asked.
“I’ll stay with you the whole time, Sweet Boy. I’ll go with you as far as I can.” I honestly replied.
“Does it hurt when you go to Heaven?”, Sweet Boy asked. “No, it won’t hurt. You’re going to get sleepy when you go. When you wake up I won’t be there anymore, but there will be a tiny piece of you that stays here with me in my heart.” I told him.
“Will I ever see you again? Sweet Boy whimpered. “One day. I really believe that I’ll be there one day with your friends from the shelter.” I answered.
“I never meant to be mean. It was just for 512 nights I heard the shelter doors lock. I was in my kennel and it began to feel so small. The other dogs would bark, I didn’t sleep well, I wasn’t myself. That one home I went to, I tried, I really tried, but I was scared in their new home. They didn’t give me time, they made me come back to the shelter, then no one was coming and that’s when I got depressed. That’s when the spinning started, that’s when I stopped eating, and that’s when the guy with the white coat said I had kennel neurosis. Kristina, what’s kennel neurosis.” Sweet Boy stammered.
“It’s your mind, Sweet Boy.” You were never meant to be at the shelter for 500 days. Dogs are meant to be free, but your beautiful brain, it’s dying from being here so long, it happens in every shelter no matter how wonderful the place is. No one is coming and your brain is dying.” I admitted.
Sweet Boy looked at me like he understood. He knew he was declining. He knew he stopped eating. Stopped playing. He knew the drooling in his kennel, the spinning, it was all getting worse and despite how many volunteers loved him, he knew he didn’t love life anymore. He knew that in over 500 days no one was coming.
“So I never got a home? I failed you? I failed my trainers?” Sweet Boy asked as if he needed reassurance before he left. So, I told him the truth. “Oh Sweet Boy, you got a home. You got the most permanent home. Your home will always be in my heart. You didn’t fail. Humans failed you. The person who bred you to sell you, the person who hit you, the person who returned you after 48 hours without letting you decompress. They failed you. And maybe I failed you too, Sweet Boy. In a perfect world there would be room for all of you at the edge of my bed, but as you know, humans are incapable of being perfect.” I added.
“So, I want you to sit with me, with your head in my lap and try to sleep. I want you to know that your home is in my heart. It always will be. When you get sleepy don’t be scared. I’m with you as far as I can go. When you get there check back every few years and one day, I promise I’ll meet you at the Rainbow Bridge, because even though I know no one is coming in this life, I promise I’ll come for you one day. One day I’ll show up. I promise. Meet me at the Rainbow Bridge. For now rest and go to sleep. I’ll go with you as far as I can go.
Kristina Millman -Rinaldi
**Shelters across the country are FULL today. Please stop breeding and consider donating, fostering, adopting and advocating.**
