08/16/2024
So you’re at an outing, standing next to your spouse or friend. Someone approaches you with a tray filled with hors d’oeuvres, and offers one to you. You look at the tray, but then say “no, thank you.” The waiter moves away.
Now, imagine if after saying “no, thank you” the waiter didn’t go away. Imagine if the waiter continued to push you to take one, and even your spouse started saying “come on, take one!” So you uncomfortably took and ate one, even though it wasn’t what you wanted. You’d probably be pretty aggravated with your spouse too. But you think it’s a one off and you carry on with the evening.
A few minutes later another waiter approaches with another tray, and the same thing happens. This time you feel yourself get more upset, especially after saying “no” multiple times. But your spouse insists also, even going so far as to take the snack off the tray and try to put it in your mouth. By the end of the interaction, you’re really on edge.
The third or fourth time you see a waiter approach you, you’re feeling either stressed, angry, or both. The waiter hasn’t even gotten all the way over to you yet and you’re ready to yell “no!” You look around for a place to escape to but your spouse/friend has their arm around you and you can’t back away. You end up physically snatching the tray from the waiter and throwing it on the ground, yelling obscenities and getting as quickly out of the room as possible. The guests look at you while your spouse simply says “I don’t know why she’s being so aggressive! They were just wanted to give her a snack!” I’m guessing you would be pretty angry at your spouse/friend by this point too. They aren’t helping support you at all. You can’t trust them OR the waiter.
You see where I’m going with this don’t you?
Try to imagine if your “no thank yous” were ignored. How many times would it take being ignored for you to get angry, get physical, or try to escape, or worse, just shut down completely. Everyone would handle it differently, but we’d all hate it.
Dogs deal with this EVERY DAY. They say “no, thank you” all the time. And we often times are guilty of ignoring that request and trying to convince them otherwise, sometimes even going so far as to force them through something because WE don’t understand. And then we wonder why dogs reach a point of aggressing or avoiding. Whether we are the waiter; trying to push something onto the dog like an interaction, or the spouse/friend not supporting the dog and backing up their request of “no, thank you” we are doing serious harm to the dogs confidence and even more harm to our relationship with them.
Your dog can only use his body language to tell you what he wants, so pay attention. If your dog says no thank you, listen. If they don’t want a stranger to touch them, support them. If they don’t want to meet a strange dog, let it go. If they want to take their time trying something different, let them take their time. I can tell you the more choice they feel they have the more likely they are to actually decide to try when they are ready. Just like you may finally get hungry enough to want a snack from the tray, but on your terms, and one that you get to pick.
Choice and consent matters in ALL species. Respect your dogs “no, thank you” and you’ll get a lot of respect back.
- Helen St. Pierre, No Monkey Business Dog Training. Please if you share give credit.