Equu-librium

05/06/2025

“Let the Horse Say No to Get a Deeper Yes”?⚠️

✨ A Kind Idea That’s Quietly Creating Chaos

There’s a romantic little idea breezing through the horse world.

It’s wrapped in rose gold script, herbal tea wisdom, and a slow-motion reel of a horse doing absolutely nothing in golden light while someone whispers “connection.”

It goes like this...

“Let the horse say no… and you’ll get a deeper, more genuine yes.”

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

It’s poetic. Gentle. Empathetic.

The kind of advice that makes you exhale and think, Ah yes, this feels right.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
The idea has issues—it’s quietly creating chaos.
For horses. For humans. For the very partnerships we’re all trying to build.
And that’s exactly why we need to talk about it.

🪧 A Note on Signposts and Good Intentions

Let’s be fair.

This idea comes from a good heart.It’s a signpost. A soft, well-meaning one. Probably handwritten in cursive on recycled card and zip-tied to a post at a horse expo somewhere.

It says:

“Be kind. Don’t push too hard. Let the horse guide the pace.”

And honestly? Beautiful intention.
But… the sign is pointing the wrong way.
Because instead of leading people toward greater skill, clarity, and confidence—It’s leading them into fog.

A fog where:
Observing replaces doing
Vagueness replaces structure
And the horse becomes the captain of the ship while the human nervously co-regulates into oblivion>

So no—I’m not here to burn the sign.I’m here with a big yellow highlighter and a better map.

Because yes—kindness matters.
But kindness without clarity?
That’s just confusion doing its best impression of compassion.

Let’s lovingly turn this signpost around and rebuild it with a bit more sense of direction.

🐴 Horses Don’t Say “No.” They Say “I’m Not Okay.”

Let’s be clear:Horses don’t say no. And they don’t say yes.They don’t have verbal boundaries. They have behaviour.

They:

brace
bolt
freeze
fidget
avoid
or gravitate toward their herd like it’s the only exit at a party they didn’t want to attend

And they do that because they’re:
confused
overwhelmed
uncomfortable
scared
or being asked something they don’t understand

That’s not a decision.
That’s feedback.

And if they comply?
It’s not a “deep yes.”

It’s probably:
“I understand this now.”
“I feel okay about this.”
“I’ve realised this won’t kill me. Cheers.”

The only real “yes” or “no” you should be listening to is the one you ask yourself:

✅ Does my horse understand?
✅ Do they feel safe and confident?
❌ Or is something I’m doing making this harder than it needs to be?

That’s not being emotionally distant.
That’s being accountable.
That’s horsemanship.

🔊 If You’re Hearing a Big “No,” You Missed a Whisper

Here’s a hard truth served with a chamomile tea chaser:
If your horse is shouting “NO,” you missed when they were whispering “I’m not sure.”

They always tell you:

in the shift of their posture
the stuck feet
the distracted eye
the breath that gets a little too tight

The “I’d rather not” comes long before the “absolutely not.”
So the goal isn’t to honour the no.It’s to recognise the early signs—and adapt before it escalates.

Not by stepping back,
But by stepping up—with better timing, better feel, and better decisions.

🔄 The Problem With “Let the Horse Say No”

Let’s be generous:This phrase was likely meant to stop people from interpreting every flick of uncertainty as open rebellion triggering the use of diabolical force to "get that respect".

It probably aimed to encourage softness, awareness, and empathy.

And we love that.

But in reality?

It often leads to this:
❌ People freeze
❌ They back off when the horse actually needs guidance
❌ They romanticise resistance as emotional wisdom
❌ And they stop adapting, influencing, or making clear decisions altogether

Instead of helping the horse, they start walking on eggshells.

Instead of teaching, they just coexist—awkwardly.
Everyone’s feeling everything… but nobody’s doing anything.

🎧 Attunement Isn’t Passive—It Has Teeth

Much of this “let the horse say no” philosophy gets bundled up in the language of attunement.

And attunement? Is brilliant—when done properly.

In psychology, attunement means:
Noticing emotion
Interpreting it accurately
Responding with appropriate skill

It’s not:
Lighting a candle and waiting for your partner to magically become emotionally available.

With horses, attunement isn’t just feeling what they feel.

It’s about:
Noticing the tension
Reading the worry
And doing something useful about it

To quote Tom Dorrance:
“Don’t treat them the way they are. Treat them the way you’d like them to be.”

That’s not wishful thinking.
That’s attunement with a backbone.

🐎 A Quick Story: Fear, Flags, and Fixing It

At a recent clinic, I picked up a flag.The horse I walked towards looked at me like I’d just pulled the pin on a live gr***de.

Now—I could’ve said:

“He’s saying no. I must honour that.”

But instead, I did something wild:
I helped.

I scrunched the flag into my hand and made it small.
Let him sniff it.
Unfolded it slowly.
Let him investigate.
Let him work out it was no threat.
Soon, he was following it. And I could use it as the tool it was meant to be.

That wasn’t a sacred “yes.”

That was good observation, good timing, and strategic decision-making.

That’s not passive compassion.

That’s me doing my actual job.

💡 Kindness Without Skill = Confusion

The people drawn to this ideology are, overwhelmingly, the kindest.
They want to connect.
To understand.
To do better.

But here’s the thing:
Kindness without skill? Is just nervous accommodation in a nice tone.

Without:
Practical knowledge
Understanding of how horses learn
Training skills
And the ability to adapt under pressure..you’re not building connection.You’re just being gentle while everything quietly unravels.

✍️ Let’s Rebuild the Signpost

Old sign:“Let the horse say no to get a deeper yes.”

New sign (edited, highlit, and slightly more useful):“Notice what your horse is showing you.Adapt what you’re doing to help them feel safe, understand the task, and succeed with confidence.Oh—and learn how to train a horse.”

Because good horsemanship isn’t about mantras.

It’s not about moral superiority.

It’s about skill, timing, and decision-making.

Not poetic.
Not passive.

Just damn good horsemanship.

📝 Disclaimer (With Just a Pinch of Sass)
This is satire.It examines an idea—not a person. And ideas are fair game.They should be challenged, especially when they’re a bit problematic.Because that’s how we all get better: by thinking more, not just feeling more. 💡🧠

If you made it this far and felt the satisfying sting of something worth reflecting on…

Hit the share button.

But please, for the love of originality—don’t copy and paste this whole blog and pretend it was your idea.That’s not “content sharing.”

That’s plagiarism.And I will consider you a well-intentioned kleptomaniac with good taste.

04/18/2025

The concept of a fixed "alpha" horse leading a herd through dominance has evolved significantly in recent years.

The term "alpha" is increasingly seen as misused and outdated when describing horse behaviour (similar to its decline in wolf science).

Historically, the "alpha" horse was perceived as holding a permanent top rank, claiming priority access to resources like food, water, and preferred locations, and asserting dominance by chasing subordinate horses.

This belief extended into human-horse interactions, with some training philosophies advocating that handlers must establish themselves as the "alpha" to gain the horse's respect and obedience and methods interpreted as the horse 'accepting' the human trainer as its leader.

Contrary to traditional beliefs that only the highest-ranked or oldest horses in a group lead, research demonstrates that any horse can initiate movement.

As for the concept of humans as alpha leaders - this brings its own set of problems. This approach relies on anthropomorphism, transferring human concepts like authority onto horses, which can lead to training techniques that elicit fear, over clear, consistent communication.

Adapted from: Equitation Science, 2nd edition - written by Andrew McLean, Paul McGreevy, Janne Whinther Christensen & Uta König von Borstel

Available for purchase on our website!

03/12/2025

So many accidents and injuries in the horse world could be avoided if riders were handling horses from a more behaviour informed lens.

There is this narrative that’s being pushed that is self disabling, where people claim that dangerous situations cannot be avoided because horses are simply “unpredictable.”

Meanwhile, these same people reject the concept of trigger stacking and argue with anyone who points out the stressors that can lead up to explosive reactions in horses.

If we don’t want to think deeper about how we can avoid dangerous situations and reduce reactivity in horses, then what are we doing?

People justify use of harsh training methods like hitting horses for punishment, using aggressive bits and training gadgets under the guise of “safety.”

But, in the same vein, they mock anyone who brings up behaviour informed concepts like trigger stacking, species appropriate care and avoiding use of behavioural suppressants like punishment.

Harsh bits, training gadgets and hitting horses to “correct” unwanted behaviour are not proven to increase safety.

Punishment is actually linked to an increase in reactivity and aggression across numerous species, including horses.

Harsh bits and coercive training methods are linked to higher instances of stress.

Stress is linked to more explosive and unpredictable behaviour in horses.

Avoiding trigger stacking and being mindful of what triggers our horses is an informed approach that works to reduce stress threshold and thereby avoid pushing horses so over threshold that they react dangerously.

It is proven to work.

On the flip side, the majority of what our mainstream horse industry claims is for “safety” is based off of anecdotes that are easily disproven just by watching what’s going on.

If bits were single-handedly keeping people safer, we wouldn’t be seeing so many accidents at all riding levels.

If hitting horses as the primary form of correction was the most successful means of reducing dangerous behavior, that would be shown in studies.

It would also be shown in practice, but it’s not.

A lot of the trainers who most loudly promote physical punishment as a form of correction are also the very same trainers who are posting the most evidence of horses reacting dangerously in their program.

The horse industry has a way of gaslighting people into believing that methods that actually are resulting in a lack of safety are the ones that are protecting safety.

And in doing so, we create a self perpetuating cycle that will never stop until we address the factors that are causing safety issues.

Stressed horses are dangerous horses.

But, instead of having a big discussion about what is promoting stress in horses, the most, and how we can start to fix it and model competition in a more horse-friendly way, our industry continues to promote attitudes that keep us stuck.

If we address the stress that we see in the average horse, whether they are a pleasure horse or a competition, it is a means of harm reduction for the horse and also ensuring further safety for the human.

Everything that makes horses dangerous is related to their flight response.

When they are frightened, they act unpredictably and they are large animals so naturally, this will be dangerous.

When they are chronically anxious and stressed, it does not take very much to set them off because they are so triggered stacked.

And then this leads to a chain of events that can make for a horse who has a very explosive “personality,” or, at least what people interpret as a personality when really it is the inevitable result of unmet needs.

Simply just by providing species-appropriate care and learning how to read Horse behaviour from an unbiased, fact-based perspective, we can improve the safety of both horses and humans astronomically.

01/08/2025

09/06/2024

Have you ever experienced being around someone who made all your cares and worries melt away? Someone who’s observational skills, attention to detail, and calm but assertive demeanor gave you confidence and hope? Have you ever experienced a complete melting away of your fear because you knew this person saw you, your skills, your needs, and would never put you in a position you couldn’t handle? There is complete relaxation and trust, but also the desire to try harder than you’ve ever tried before- to be the best you can be, because you feel safe, inspired, and interested.

This is what a good leader does, and this is what we should strive to provide for our horses. A horse seeks mental balance far more than we do, because we easily get addicted to drama or troubles- a horse just wants to feel safe. If we do our part to work on ourselves, we can provide this feeling to every horse we meet.

09/02/2024

A horse should be prepared to tolerate life, and able to cope with the environment they are brought into. This means exposure, teaching a set of skills so they can live a full and happy life, and teaching emotional regulation.

But a horse should not have to tolerate rude, sloppy, or disrespectful handling. Every human is fully capable of learning to handle their tools better, and become more aware. Teaching the horse to become more tolerant is not a cop out for self discipline. Even children and beginners can learn this, so long as their teachers make it a focus from the beginning.

05/04/2024

The dreaded “but”

How often do we notice those little 1% improvements? The horse settled just a little, the horse is breathing a little more, the horse is not rushing off as much.

I point these improvements out to my students as often as I see them, no matter how small, because I want them to develop an eye and feel for how improvement works- it doesn’t happen all at once, it happens in little pieces. So often after announcing an improvement, I am met with the ”but”-

“But he still isn’t bending”
“But he still isn’t listening”
“But he still is too fast”
And so on

Or even worse, sometimes people write off the improvements entirely and chalk them up to accident

“Oh I don’t think he’s relaxed, he’s just finally tired”
“He just did that because the horse in front of him did it first”
“He’s yawning because he’s bored!”

It’s amazing how much the human mind grabs onto every problem and holds it in its clutches like a treasure. It’s amazing how the human mind sees in black and white, the problem is either there or not there, but struggles to see the gradients.

To guide our horses toward our goals, we have to be flexible, and we have to be sure our goal is even possible being their goal- if we’re worried about bend and they’re worried about safety, we are not operating on the same wavelength.

One thing at a time, one small step at a time. Keep your eye on the long goal but don’t miss the little improvements, even if it’s just one good step, one breath, one little change. That’s what a path is made of- a bunch of little steps taken.

05/03/2024

What is the difference between lightness and softness?

Lightness can be the feeling of weightlessness, quickness to respond, ability to move in a way that requires minimal pressure from the rider.

Softness can be a feeling of ease, relaxation, and fluidity through a horse’s body. It is a feeling of connection and engagement with the task at hand.

Which is your priority?

Lightness does not require softness, and softness might not feel “light” in the way some people expect- the feeling of zero weight can often mean disconnection, evasion, and worry. Sometimes lightness is achieved through teaching escape, and produces a horse that scoots away from the leg, hides behind the bridle, and folds up tension into corners of their body. I often tell students, if you can’t stop what you’re doing with ease and go on a calm straight line, you are in fact wiggling body parts around.

The pursuit of lightness often creates a disconnect in the horses body- a chin that tucks toward the chest without a back that swings. A body that steps away from a leg while the neck over bends. A horse that over responds without connection, and carries a braced poll.

The pursuit of softness engages a horse in a way that asks them to feel good, nose to tail. It asks them to maintain connection from the hind feet to the reins, not to hide away from the reins, but without bearing down on them either. It asks for nothing at the expense of fluidity and relaxation in movement, and it doesn’t seek to imbalance the horse to get a quick handle- but rather to improve upon their nature and to create a true partnership.

Lightness is often a persons pursuit to create a look, shape and a feeling that satisfies a person.

Softness is an internal desire from a person to connect with a horse in the way that best suits the horse.

Photo by Nicole Churilla

05/01/2024

What use is it to teach a horse the other shoe isn’t going to drop

Then turn them back out into the world of over aiding, impatience, lack of clarity?

What good does it do to teach a horse to not fear the contact, to trust the hand, to learn the whip will never be punitive

Then send them along to a world where the answer is always more, and quicker ?

How can a horse trust people if one says breathe and think, and the next says just do it?

The only way for a better world for horses is a world of better horse people

But the part I’m the most fascinated by is
A better world for horses is a better life for people too

I’ve come to believe that teaching is the only way to make real change - and for people to really learn, I have to change the most : to be someone other people can trust and understand

04/20/2024

I can’t control what happens at other barns. I can’t control what people think, what they do, how they ride, or who they ride with. The best I can do is plant a seed, ask a question, spark some curiosity -
Maybe there is a different way, maybe horses can feel and look different.

I can only present information and hope for the best. When I walk away, when I go home, I have to give up any notion of control and just hope for the best.

What I can do is make my own farm a little sanctuary of horse and human happiness. A place where riders can relax and not worry about making mistakes, to learn with support and no judgement. A place where horses can graze, sleep under the sun, socialize and be exactly what nature made them.

I can’t work on other people. I can’t make them let go, uncrank nose bands, relax grips, shout less, pull less, spur and whip less, be softer in their minds. All I can do is suggest.

What I can do, is work on me, and mine. Make myself better, less judge mental, more open minded, more centered, more caring.

I can plant a seed, and go home to work on my farm and myself.

Photo by Julie Kenney

04/01/2024

USING WORK AS PUNISHMENT

I recently watched a video where a horse was being ridden in an arena and would drift towards the arena gate. It preferred to be close to the gate and resisted a little when ridden away from the gate. The trainer’s solution was to allow the horse to rest away from the arena gate, but work it hard when it drifted back to the gate. After a while, the horse gave up trying to drift towards the gate. It was an adaptation of the adage “Make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard”. Work near the gate, and rest away from the gate.

Years ago I watched a demonstration of a trainer loading a reluctant horse into a trailer. When the horse looked into the trailer it was allowed to rest. But when the horse resisted it was asked to circle one way and then the other way for several minutes. When the horse took an interest in the inside of the trailer, it was allowed to rest again. It took a while, but eventually, the horse loaded into the trailer without too much fuss. Again, it was making the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

Another video demonstrated how to stop a horse from pawing the ground when it was tied. When the horse pawed, it was made to work. When it stopped pawing it was allowed to rest. In time, the horse started to make the sort of changes the trainer was wanting. It worked. And again, the trainer was making the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard.

In each case, the horses made the type of changes in their behaviour the trainers were looking for. But here is the problem as I see it.

The success of each of those scenarios relied on the horse dreading the working part of it. Asking a horse to do stuff was used as a punishment. It was the ‘hard’ part of the adage of “making the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard”. It relied on the horse viewing the work as hard to make the resting seem easy. If the horses saw the working part as easy and as comfortable as the resting part there would be no incentive for the horses to stop pawing or stop drifting to the gate or resist loading into the trailer. The exercising had to be something the horse dreaded for the thing the trainer did want to appear easy.

I spend most of my time with horses trying to help them view work with me as easy. I strive to make it something that causes them no more bother than to be standing in the paddock on a warm day. That’s my goal and what I work on every moment.

But in the scenarios I outlined, the trainers (each well-known and respected with very big followings) were weaponizing the work as punishment for not doing the right thing. I see that as a problem.

I believe a better approach would be to try to emphasize making the right thing easy and less emphasis on making the wrong thing hard.

For example, in the case of the horse wanting to drift to the arena gate. I would try to connect my horse’s mind with me and not think about the gate by directing it to tasks and rewarding when the thoughts checked in with me. If the horse took an interest in the gate, I might interrupt that thought with a job that required it to check in with me (such as backup or a change of gait or a change in direction) and only release when the horse’s mind came back to me with a question. Bit by bit the arena gate would lose its importance because the horse’s focus would be on me and not on the gate.

If my horse had a chronic pawing issue when it was tied, I would help it quieten its mind by asking it to soften and relax before tying it up. If he started to get frustrated or agitated again, I might untie it and quiet his mind again before tying it up a second time. Each time I would try to improve on the degree of okay-ness inside my horse before tying it again. If I did my job well I would expect to gradually see that my horse became more settled and could stay quiet longer and longer with each session. One day I would forget it ever had a problem being tied up.
The trailer loading problem could be addressed by training my horse to lead better and follow my feel in directing its thoughts into the trailer. Most trailer loading problems are simple leading problems.

I guess my point is that I don’t understand why we would ever want to make work something a horse dreads. It seems counterproductive to most people’s goals. I want my horse to feel good enough about being with me that it sees the tasks I set as a comfort in its life. I don’t want to punish it for seeing the tasks I set as a discomfort. That’s on me. If that’s how my horse feels that’s my fault. That’s my failure. I won’t make it worse by weaponizing the one thing I want it to feel good about - work.

Photo: At a clinic, Bonnie learns to load into a trailer because it is a good idea.