01/09/2025
I am not an equine behaviorist. I am far less educated than many people I choose to surround myself with (on purpose 😉).
This does seem to be a ‘hot topic’ though - and with that comes a lot of beautiful insight, equally layered with misinformation. It’s especially scary when spoken in absolutes from unqualified individuals, rather than an, “it depends!” attitude.
But… I do have a depth of decades reading and listening to the horse. So, with that I feel confident enough to at least share my 𝒐𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔. I also have been extremely intentional with practicing self-awareness over the last several years. With that, I personally think often about a specific shared human and horse experience I see occur all the time.
When I randomly do something nice for someone, whatever that may be, I absolutely do NOT expect anything in return… it’s actually the point of my gesture. I get so much joy from that; sharing a little reminder they’re thought of and loved.
I’ve never understood the concept of (and I see this happen often), someone doing something unprompted for someone, then holding that over them at some point in the future. As in, “well I did xyz for you…”. Presenting that gesture in an assuming way that they’re now owed something.
What an absolutely asinine, human thing to do. How sneaky, to come back and attach strings to unsolicited gestures.
I was taught at a very young age the Golden Rule. Do unto others, as you’d have them do unto you. I admit there are many, many times I have not followed that rule… 😅 but I have learned a lot from all those experiences that helped bring me back to my early exposure to the concept.
How does this apply to our horses… well… you probably have an idea. But from what I experience and what I overhear:
“I spend so much money on you, you can get out and do xyz with me when I show up.”
- As though our horses have any concept of monetary exchange and what that means, and frankly, 80% of the time we’ve got them in a non species appropriate environment with that money spent.
“I bought/bred you to jump, so you are going to jump; I’ll just get new training gear, you clearly have a behavior issue…”
- Believe it or not, our horses don’t actually owe us anything, nor did they ask to be purchased by you for this job, nor did they ask to do this job in the first place, even though a human bred them for it. Granted, I do think our horses land on the paths they’re on, often to share lessons…
- NOW, I am also not going to pretend our horses don’t enjoy having a job, especially depending on the breed and job type, but gosh, if we own horses as a hobby, it’s a lot more fun (necessary) to have them be an active participant by making sure we’ve set them up for the task we’re asking (also necessary). If you don’t know what that looks like, ask!
- In more rare instances; we have horses who are actually working a job with us. Gosh it’s pretty similar to us… IF I am a well-balanced human, doing the things consistently I know I need for my mental and physical well-being, I don’t actually need to love my job to be happy to be there. IF I’m fulfilled in my life and I don’t work with a bunch of as****es 🤷♀️, I’m happy to show up to work and actively participate. So, if you can’t provide a species appropriate environment/lifestyle/partnership… work may suck for them!
“I only have 1 hour, you need to step out and show up for work!”
- Well… golly. 😮💨
Here’s the biggest thing I feel around all of this… What does it look like to meet ourselves and horses where we’re both at… each day. Each session. Each interaction. None of this is scripted, and does require our effort, honesty and integrity.
I am not pretending to have always embodied the latter. Having been on BOTH sides of this spectrum; feeling entitlement with my horses and their role in my life, to understanding I’m owed nothing from them… I actually owe them, by choosing to share this lifetime with them, a life that allows them to live in balance.
I really appreciate what my dear friend Chiara, Un-Natural Horsemanship said one day this summer… to paraphrase; we just need to show up authentically… if we’re having a bad day that’s fine, but if we can show up to our horses owning that, they really extend a lot grace. But, accountability is needed, you best drop any agenda and flow with no expectations.
That goes for our horses too… meeting them where they’re at. A really good way to practice this, is practicing being a good listener to the humans in your life. It allows us the ability to slow down and look for responses, rather than reactions.
I have ADHD and it’s really easy for me to want to jump into a conversation and relate what someone is saying to my personal experiences…I think that’s okay… but I’ve worked a lot on actively listening while talking to someone, especially when it’s regarding a passion of theirs; asking them questions about themselves and what they’re saying… allowing them to dive a bit deeper into what they’re speaking on. (This also is a helpful tool for us neurodivergent folks that struggle with small talk… 😉)
Point being… This translates really well into inviting our horses to be active participants in the conversations we have. It’s honoring all the nuanced moments in time that allow us to grow as horsemen. And if that’s not always our goal… you may consider finding another hobby that doesn’t involve another living being.
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