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Kingsflood Neighbourhood News Network - Parody

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Kingsflood Neighbourhood News Network - Parody

We are a parody!!! Lost pets, lost clothes, things you could easily Google - these are our speciali

22/01/2024

The full time yummy mummies of Kingswood, South Beverley didn’t seem so concerned about erect poles when they all needed new t**s and teeth…but that’s none of KFNNN’s business…

22/01/2024

KFNNN have been out bright and early this morning surveying the damage after Storm Isha, keeping people safe and lending our support in less desireable neighbouring wards.

We were sadden to see the desolation and destruction captured in this picture we took on Wawne Road. The area looks all but destroyed due to Storm Isha’s destructive power. We hope they’re able to rebuild.

11/01/2024

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“My First Ankle Monitor for sale. New in box, unwanted gift. Jayden’s stepdad has just had his ankle tag removed today so Jayden doesn’t want this anymore to look like his daddy. £10 ovno, buyer to pick up from Pioneer Way or will deliver on Kingswood for petrol money”

07/01/2024

KFNNN have just got back from our annual wintering in The Maldives. We’re pleased to find despite the absence nothing changes…

20/11/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

Hot on the heels of the announcement CCTV is coming to our chic, urban village. KFNNN are proud to partner with the local council to announce streaming subscriptions to all cameras, a product KFNNN are calling “Kingswood Uncut”.

Find twitching the curtain too much work? Concerned the man in a tracksuit with an Asda bag may have nefarious intentions? Want to see how many men next door will have in this week? Now you can from the comfort of your own sofa, all for £9.99 a month for all camera access!

Further details coming soon!

05/11/2023

Wondering how the less desireable neighbouring wards light their fireworks when they haven’t invented fire yet?!

28/10/2023

Hot take: residents from less desireable neighbouring wards call leisure centre swimming pools “baths” because it’s the only time they get one.

28/10/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“Can I urge parents to check the Halloween sweets their children bring home please as a matter of absolute urgency? My children were out Trick or Treating last night around Runnymede and I’ve just found a Heckler & Koch MP5 Sub Machine Gun hidden inside one of their Milky Way Celebrations. What kind of sick people live in this world?!?! Please check your children’s sweets urgently!!”

22/10/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

Can you share for our neighbouring wards please KFNNN? A haunted house exclusively for Bransholme, Orchard Park and Kingswood residents East of the DMZ has now opened in North Point Shopping Centre.

Dare you enter and face the unmitigated terror of gainful employment? Prepare to be chilled to your very core by the spectre of the 9-5 and scared stiff by the job application simulator complete with real clerical staff holding you to account.

£5 adults, £2.50 children (5th, 6th and 7th children go free with a family ticket).

19/10/2023

Do you think the guys who draw lines on pictures of roundabouts to show Facebook groups how to use them properly get a lot of p***y? I bet they’ve drilled more holes than BP.

18/10/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“KFNNN can you share please that from Monday Asda Kingswood will require all shoppers to show proof of address upon entry, either a council tax or utility bill. Those shoppers from Bransholme and Orchard Park will be chaperoned throughout their visit in an effort to minimise stock loss through non-payment of goods. We appreciate your cooperation and patience in this matter”

17/10/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“I took the wrong turn on a street on Kingswood today 🤣🤣🤣🤣 such commitment to creating a post-apocalyptic Halloween vibe! I almost had a heart attack when I seen it infront of me

Brilliant 😂”

06/10/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

Following the roaring success of our Kingswood Yummy Mummy Costume selling out in record time (you hungry W***y goblins you!) it’s time for the next reveal. Stuck for ideas this Halloween? Like a city famous for its tramps? Like the thought of living in Rwanda but don’t think the heat is for you? Why not dress as Hull City Centre this Halloween?!

On sale now from all local retailers! All proceeds go to those less fortunate such as residents on Gypsy Moth Lane and Pioneer Way.

03/10/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

October is here so you know what that means…it’s time to launch KFNNN’s annual Halloween costume range. Stuck for something to go as this year? Like the taste of w***y? Like not working for a living? Then how’s about going to your Halloween party as a Kingswood, South Beverley Yummy Mummy?!

Costumes are on sale now from all local retailers. All proceeds go to those less fortunate such as residents on Gypsy Moth Lane and Pioneer Way.

30/09/2023

KFNNN had the chauffeur loop back round so we could get a second glance of this today, East of the DMZ in Kingswood, North Hull really is wild

23/09/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

Hot on the heels of our ‘Make South Beverley Great Again’ hats which are now all but sold out, KFNNN are excited to bring you the latest in our South Beverley merchandise line, this time celebrating our revered local bicycle gang - the North Carr Warlords t-shirt!

If you can do big skids, wheelie and pull an endo outside Co-Op like you just don’t give a f**k, now you can buy the t-shirt and join the gang. Be warned though, this t-shirt oozes so much machismo it may cause unexpected pregnancy in all but the most barren and dusty of women!

Available from all local businesses for £15.99 in sizes Small to I only eat beige food.

10/09/2023

In an effort to address the issue of anti-social behaviour, low-level crime and noise pollution (particularly in one’s own gardens) blighting our chic, urban village presently, KFNNN are pleased to announce we are resurrecting, the KFNNN Hunger Games!

KFNNN have partnered with local businesses to construct a games arena on scrubland adjacent to the DMZ. Starting October 1st, families with household appliances which they have rented monthly rather than bought outright will be required to offer their 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th born children up to a lottery. Two children from each of our less-desirable neighbouring wards will have their names drawn and become tributes.

The 12 tributes will fight to the death in what is expected to be an incredibly well-watched televised/live-streamed event, with those tributes who have unfortunately lost during that day having their pictures and area of origin projected into the night sky at 8pm each evening.

Eggs, stones, tracksuits, mopeds, hoodies, beanie hats, security tagged Gillette blades, string-strapped JD sports rucksacks and Reebok Classic trainers will be provided to each child as a rudimentary survival kit. Whoever loses, the local area wins.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

08/09/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“Great evening at the grass on the village green this evening listening to the reading of the rules for use of your own garden this weekend, the podium really added to the gravitas of the occasion. Now let’s hope everyone sticks to them this weekend!”

06/09/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

Are you sick of people using YOUR footpath outside of YOUR house? Has someone decided to let their child use the park or even worse, their own garden to burn off excess energy? Did one of the North Carr Warlords pull a wheelie and steal your woman? Enraged by just about anything and everything? Well boy have we got a product for you!

KFNNN are proud to partner with local businesses and launch what is hoped to be the first in a long line of merchandise espousing the values of our chic, urban village - the MSBGA hat! Available from all local businesses for £9.99. Build the wall! Build the wall!

05/09/2023

If the kids scream every day till Bonfire Night (61 days yippee) it might not seem so bad this year?

03/09/2023

Well that’s the guy who steals all the solar garden lights located last night. What crime do you want KFNNN to solve next?!

03/09/2023

Build the wall. Build the wall. KFNNN are out bright and early this morning to supervise as the first bricks in the eagerly anticipated Plight Barrier are laid!

The Plight Barrier is a crucial part of East Riding of Yorkshire council’s crime prevention strategy, formally separating Kingswood, South Beverley from Kingswood, North Hull. It’s hoped the barrier will reach 60ft high when completed in Winter 2024.

It is the rocks upon the shore against which the waves of unwashed barbarian thieves will crash and be broken, limiting the spread westward of the post-apocalyptic wasteland and allow residents on the South Beverley side to stop padlocking their hanging baskets to the bracket lest they be stolen.

01/09/2023

When your Mrs asks you why you only bought one solar light for the garden from shop

27/08/2023

A statement from East Riding of Yorkshire Council on yesterday’s events.

26/08/2023

Don’t @ KFNNN y’all ready know what them sirens are

22/08/2023

***KFNNN EXCLUSIVE***

KFNNN are pleased to bring you an exclusive interview this evening following the neighbourhood feline of the hour entering the witness protection programme but remaining entirely unrepentant.

“Like to see him try stop me” Steve* told KFNNN. “CCTV isn’t even a deterrent to house break-ins and car thefts. Me and my daily bab will make mincemeat out of it. I’m sh****ng on the lawn not eating it but you do you babe”

*Name changed to protect identity

04/08/2023

Chill out hunz it’s a mouth grab not a bite. Bet it’s owner goes to the supermarket in a dressing gown too. Animal.

29/07/2023

When you’re up at 9am, you’ve got errands to run because you gave the staff their first day off this year, you’ve got the super softs on the German saloon and notice the Runnymedes are quiet

28/07/2023

MESSAGE FROM RESIDENT

“You can’t have anything these days can you? Some enterprising youths have clearly made their own swings on a tree in the woods near the Village Green and are hurting nobody, and some t**t has come and tangled them all up and they’re now unusable. Shame on you and I hope your parents are proud”

23/07/2023

When you make massive versions of random animals and paint them funny colours rather than focussing on attracting businesses to the city.

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Videos

Look at KFNNN, Look at KFNNN! We are the neighbourhood news network now!

Gangs of ruffians throwing missiles in our chic urban village?!?! Absolutely not on KFNNN’s watch. Some of us are trying to watch Tipping Point in peace. Time to scramble the Rabbit Rehoming Team and go weapons hot. Back to the shadow with you, mutants.

KFNNN whenever we break into the Lindt Lindor Truffles...

KFNNN taking umbrage with the hosts when we see store-brand products being served at one of the many soirées we get invited to as ruler of the most prominent neighbourhood news network in the area

Behind the scenes expose with KFNNN's ever vigilant Rabbit Rehoming Team, callsign: Overwatch. You're welcome...

Pouring out a 40oz (Rekorderlig no less) this evening for our fellow Residents without sufficient upward social mobility to afford a Nutribullet. Madness.