Equine Blooming

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Equine Blooming

Hello, my name is Katie-
I am passionate about horses, mental health, and how the 2 combine!

08/01/2024

I had a dream last night. I had a dream that I picked you up, & we went for strawberry ice cream together 🍓

It was a beautiful dream, & I haven’t been able to shake it all day.

I’ve lost two friends in my life in violent ways, two friends whose deaths I found out about via social media posts.

That’s not something I would wish on anyone, ever.

I worry about most of the people in my life, but some more than others. The ones I can’t see in person. The ones I can’t touch, I can’t hold. & especially the ones I know are vulnerable.

But of all my friends I think I worry about you the most. The grief of not being able to verify if you’re ok, if you’re still fighting- it’s a monster in my heart.

But the joy you have brought me, the comfort, laughs, & inside jokes- I will gladly host this monster to have known your friendship.

As I’ve grown I’ve realized that most relationships {all?} are impermanent in some way. They change, evolve, end. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. & while my heart wants to rail against this; hold you all as close to me as I can forevermore, I can not. So instead I say this-

I love you, I will always love you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing- I love you 🤍 🍃

07/24/2024

She {swipe} is pretty excited about corn dogs & lemonade at the fair 🍋 🌽 {no corn dog emoji??}

Throw a picture of younger you up on the fridge… it helps 🤍

& swipe all the way to the end to see Ben & I realize that we might be too old for fair rides 🎠 🎡🎢 I’ve always had a sensitive stomach but Y I K E S

As always, my dms are open for accountability, for support, for encouragement. You got this 💛

07/18/2024

Here’s a picture of me & my “bonus mom”, the woman who has enabled & encouraged my passion for horses over the last decade.

We’re heading out to take the horses on a trail ride, & couldn’t help but laugh over the height difference in the horses, & our own height difference.

I’m 5’10”, a height that often felt daunting & overwhelming for me. I’m taller than my husband, my mother, my sister, the majority of my friends {except you… you know who you are 💜}… a fun comparison rabbit hole that I’ve fallen down too many times.

The truth is, my body takes up space. I’ve dedicated a lot of time & energy trying to get it to take up LESS space, demanding it be less. & for a while it did- but then my life took up less space.

It shrunk, & I lost this horse, this smile, this joy.

Turns out taking up less space isn’t really that great.

What is great?

Taking up a lot of space. Riding a freaking warhorse on the trails with one of the most important people in your life.

Standing tall, being alive… it takes guts but man oh man, it’s pretty cool.

Shout out to Val & Tesoro, you guys have great butts 🍑

07/16/2024

🤍🪴
hello lovely people! Been feeling the urge to get back online & share some more things…
highs include….
🌱 nature walks with the cutest 2 year old ever
🦄 my family bringing me back this epic window cling from Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
⚔️ embracing my inner absolute NERD while helping a friend move {I’ve always wanted to be a centurion}
🍞 learning to cook some pretty cool things!
places for growth include…
🛌 the return of my somewhat chronic insomnia {please make it stop 😭}
🦆 insurance mandated therapist switch {still really struggling with this one.. I’ve had the same therapist for 6 years}
👯‍♀️ missing my little sister like another limb

That’s pretty much it! Recovery is still trucking along, life is good these days 🤍🍦 grateful for all the steps along the way.

09/20/2023

Reflections on today:
🩵 dropped my husband off at the airport, he’ll be out of town for several days. If I’m being honest I’m feeling a bit nervous about it, as it means significantly less support for me at home. But! It also means a chance to continue showing up & practicing.
🤍 my therapist wants to step me down to once a month sessions 🫣 this is so exciting! & literally terrifying.
💗 my dietician & i did a meal exposure at Panera today {but I didn’t get a pic… oh well}. It went really well, & I’m super grateful for her support & insannnne amount of knowledge.
🩵 picked up a few bits & bobs to celebrate my wins 🎊
🤍experienced a butt load of self doubt & anxiety at the barn. Reminders for today- you can love horses, & not be perfect. You can love horses, & not ride everyday. You can love horses… & make mistakes! *cue internal screaming*
💗discovered the incredible & listened to her interview with … highly highly recommend!!

I think that’s enough… don’t you?! 😂🤪🥰

08/29/2023

We experience life through our bodies, whether or not we’re aware of it.
✨
One of the toughest pieces of eating disorder recovery is learning how to be in tune with our bodies again, when for so long we have viewed them as the enemy, done our very best to ignore their needs & wants.

Somethings I’ve been doing lately to try & integrate more awareness of my body & what she wants…
🌸 Practicing food abundance. This is a HUGE piece & deserves its own post. But basically this just means teaching your body that there is plenty of food & it is readily available & will continue to be.
🌸 Intentional movement that honors physical sensations. I adore yoga, but often have a problematic relationship with moving. My therapist & I have been working on identifying what poses feel good, & choosing to prioritize those. Also paying attention to where I feel the movement in my body.
🌸 Resting more. One of the biggest things that fell apart for me in my relapse was sleep. I would wake up 6-7 times a night, often unable to sleep past 3am. Now I am incorporating sleep hygiene {again, deserves its own post} & it’s been incredibly helpful.

There’s certainly more, & this is one of those things that is going to look different for everyone. But these are the things that have been helping me to reconnect with my body lately 🤍✨

08/19/2023

I have an almost pathological need to prove myself. To fit in. To prove my worth to myself & the world. There are very few moments, very few relationships where I don’t constantly feel like I need to be earning their love, to be worthy of their time. It’s one of my biggest struggles & maybe one of the biggest drivers behind my €ating di$order.
But this mare… oh this mare. She constantly reminds me that just showing up is enough. That even the bad days can end well, that love is a gift freely given. I’m lucky beyond belief to have her in my life 🤍💗

08/16/2023

✨ TRYING SOMETHING NEW✨
Yesterday was a big day for Faye & I. My trainer casually suggested that she might be ready to wear the ba****ck pad with the girth on. After everything Beau & I went through there was always a chance that this could be a moment to OVErTHINK for me… but I just went with the suggestion & in less than 5 minutes Faye was wearing a girth for the first time. She hardly blinked & was way more interested in knocking over the barrel in front of her 💚
Then, last night, I decided to eat meat. Bacon specifically. I can’t tell you the last time I specifically ate meat… I was probably single digits. I had always framed the decision to be a vegetarian as a moral rather than disordered decision. But after several chats with my amazing dietician I have realized that ANY rule governing what I can or can not put in my body is not in my long term best interest.
So, again, last night I didn’t overthink, didn’t try to plan every moment out. I just did. & surprised even myself with how well it went. I don’t know that I’ll always eat meat from now on, but I do know that I’ve broken down one more barrier my disorder wanted me to believe in. & that feels pretty awesome 🤍✨

08/14/2023

After X months in the hospital my tack reallllllly needed some attention. I didn’t notice until I was done, but I did nothing BUT clean my tack. Before going into treatment this time I could NOT be alone with my brain, constantly needing to be listening to something in order to cope. Today I spent a good hour alone with my thoughts {& 4 legged friends!!} & was totally at peace. One of the somewhat unanticipated but pretty cool side affects of a more nourished brain 🧠🤍

08/11/2023

There’s a lot behind this photo. Pain. Anger. Hurt. Fear. Depression. Giving up. But there’s also a lot in front of the photo. Moving forward. Hope. Joy. Connection. Trust. My first ride since January, back with the horse that feels like home 🤍

08/05/2023

CW: mention of € di$order behaviors, not explicit.

The last few days have draiiiiiiiined me emotionally & physically. Earlier today my partner had to lay in bed & hold me while I cried over some pasta salad, as my brain & body screamed at me to go get rid of it. There’s a side to mental illness that many of us have learned to be ok with, the sweet social media posts and inspiring quotes.
But in my experience there’s another side, a much uglier side that can be incredibly shameful. My illness has made me do things I am INCREDIBLY embarrassed by, things I will probably never share on here. But in tandem with that is a piece of me screaming for it to be heard, to have a voice.
So here’s my reminder, to myself & to you. You are enough, your journey is enough, your struggle is enough. Even if you don’t see it reflected back online, even if it feels like you’re the only one. There is space in this world for you, for your story.
There’s a place for shame, a time for grief, a world waiting to embrace the ugly. Because we have all experienced ugliness, we are all hiding things… but they are not defining us, they are not limiting us. They are pieces of us, but not all of us. You, with or without a reason or explanation, are enough 🤍💗

06/27/2023

Solena XXII is a 2022 Iberian Warmblood registered with IALHA. This lovely and athletic yearling is going to be TALL!

-She is 15.2 at the butt right now and we believe she will be 16.3-17hh

-Solena is a heterozygous grey with black base

- She is personality PLUS- sweet, friendly, and curious. She has been started correctly understanding the basics, standing for the farrier, fly spraying, pressure/release, tying, and loading.

- Dam is a PRE Andalusian registered with ANCEE and IALHA. Sire is Westphalian- both parents are incredible athletes and could jump well.

- My trainer bred this filly for herself, only selling as she will be too tall.

Message for more details

06/09/2023

You can let go now. That thing you’ve been holding on to so tightly, you can let it go. That dream that you thought you’d die with out, you can let it go. That piece of you that seemed like it would always define you, would always haunt you, you can let it go. The things that happened to you in the past, you can let them go. Uncurl your fingers, watch it float away. In letting go you will heal yourself and your past. It happened to you but it Didn’t happen because of you. There is no shame in letting go, only peace. Trust me, I know.

06/02/2023

I am softer. My body is softer, curving and caressing in places where bone & sharp edges stood before. She welcomes me home, plump arms and thighs saying “rest here, rest in safety”. My mind is softer, forgiving & mourning the paths that have come before. She turns away from the darkness, choosing instead to allow for wholeness. My spirit is softer, allowing space & time to soak their way in, not fearing and agonizing over the future. My soul is softer, open to the wounds and pain of the past. It spreads its arms, accepting of the hurt, swallowing it whole. I am softer but stronger than I ever was before. I am softer, and it is a magic all its own.

02/20/2023

🤍💗
Hello lovelies. I just wanted to pop in & say that I will be logging off of this account for the foreseeable future. After a year of refusing to acknowledge the writing on the wall, I am heading back to residential treatment for my € d|$order. This has not been an easy decision to make, & I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to reset, heal, & learn more about how to handle myself. It’s a privilege to be able to seek treatment, & im so lucky to have an amazing team supporting me & rooting for me. Take care of yourselves always & never be afraid to seek help- you are worth it 🤍

02/02/2023

Alright universe i hear you 🤍😂
“Keep showing up” she says
After one of the toughest weeks… like laying in bed crying for an hour over a bowl of yogurt… after months of not feeling like I had a purpose, of wondering what to do next… today was amazing.
I received email confirmation that I will be enrolling in the Equusoma training program, something I’ve been dreaming about for years. This is the beginning of a 2 year journey to learn more about equine faciliter healing & learning, and I could. It be more excited 🤍
I have so many thoughts about this, & will write them all out eventually but for now… I’m a very happy Katie, a very grateful Katie… & I’m just going let myself feel that 💕🤍✨ {oh & beau had a GREAT day today so that doesn’t hurt!!}

01/30/2023

Sharing a hard moment from today 🤍

“I should put him up for sale”

I went to work beau today, & for a variety of reasons {lots of noise, colder weather, more rest, etc.} he was EXTRA spicy. I haven’t been out to the barn as much lately, as I try to prioritize my recovery & family. So my trainer stepped in, & worked him for me. Normally this wouldn't really bother me, as I’m extremely grateful for her expertise & guidance. But today, for whatever reason, it totally sent me over the edge.
I felt like a failure, like I wasn’t good enough for him, & never would be. Can you hear the cognitive distortion??

Something I’m learning to do these days is recognition vs ownership of feelings. Can I recognize that I’m frustrated, maybe a little bit disappointed but NOT own that that feeling makes me a failure or any other intense exaggeration? It might be true that I FEEL a certain way, but it’s not true that I AM that way. Does that make sense? It does to me, even if it doesn’t come easily.

The nice thing about horses is… he has no idea I’m puzzling over any of this, so tomorrow is a new day to try again & to keep working on my self… & my skills- both emotional & horsemanship 🤍

01/29/2023

Life gets busy, and it's hard to find time for what we love.

That's why I interviewed Bailey, a lawyer with ADHD, who is a USDF silver medalist, and finds time to mentor young dressage hopefuls.

It was honestly such a fun episode to record, and I enjoyed learning more about her approach to life!

bit.ly/JoyfulDressage

01/25/2023

For about two years I’ve been subtly hiding one of Beau & i’s biggest challenges. He came to me from a racing career, & I assumed this meant he would be ok with basic things. The first time I saddled him he blew backwards & broke the blocker tie. This started a two year journey around saddling, stomach issues, & learning.

I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t even take up my horse! It would take me half an hour sometimes, & there were many moments when he broke tacks or bolted away from me. I wanted to do it using R+ but struggled to see how.

Thanks to my incredible mentors {specifically } we were able to sort out a lot of the issues using counter conditioning & teaching a “start” button.

But still we struggled. I finally accepted that something bigger was going on & started him on an ulcer treatment regimen. I’d actually done this at the very start, but it hadn’t seemed to help. We used GutX this time & it seemed to make a difference.

But the final piece of the puzzle was maybe the simplest. Earlier this summer I moved home, & Beau now lives in near 24/7 turnout, with a buddy. He has consistent access to hay, & lives a pretty darn fulfilled life. THIS has changed so much for us.

I am so grateful to my support system to helping us solve this. Eventually I’ll do a whole write up about the process, because it was a lonnnnng one. It was hard on him & it took a hefty toll on me. I remember standing next to him holding a girth, crying, because I knew I was hurting him but wasn’t sure how to fix it.

I’m so grateful to be where we are now, & will continue to advocate for his comfort & safety… I’ve learned my lesson. I also want to try & be more transparent about what we’re struggling with ✨🤍

01/24/2023

I wasn’t an athlete as a kid. I spent most of my recesses in the library {shout out to all librarians, you guys are the best} & felt like a fish out of water in gym class {one notable moment was when I was hit in the head with a soccer ball & got my hair stuck in the chain link fence… that was fun}.

Horses were pretty much my only form of exercise, until I developed my eating disorder. Then began a toxic relationship with movement, where every step was a calorie burned.

As I recovered & became more & more involved with horses I assumed that the reason I felt better after going to the barn was because of the relationship I had with the horses & the people at the barn. But recently I’ve been realizing, that while this is a HUGE part of what makes the barn a safe place… moving is also incredible cathartic for me.

Yoga, walking my dog, going to the barn… all of these things have helped me to develop a better understanding of what my body is capable of, other than being or looking a certain way. They also help me feel better, & have provided me with a lot of incredible memories.

I still struggle to rest enough, & have to be careful not to let movement become compulsive… but I’m also realizing that maybe my initial judgement of myself was wrong. Maybe I AM an athlete…

01/16/2023

🤍Peace💙
Inspired by {well a lot of people} my high school education teacher & I decided to do a “word of the year” this year, instead of traditional New Years resolutions. This year I chose “peace”. The peace to accept my self, the peace the pursue the things that *I* care about, without over thinking {😅 I’m working on it I swear}, the ability to protect my inner peace… I think you get the idea!
Some of the things I’ve been doing to help promote my peace these first few weeks of the year-
🌸 better social boundaries. I’ve started deleting apps off my phone outside of working hours & it’s VERY liberating
🌼 waking up early. Giving myself time to rest & be in the morning, get my yoga in, & walk the dog before the world starts demanding attention… it’s been really helpful!
🌺 finding ways to incorporate the mantra of “find peace & pursue it” in my day, like this bracelet my best friend & I made together 🤍 it’s a lovely little reminder.
Have you ever set a word of the year? Were you able to stick to it all year?! I’d love any advice 💕

12/27/2022

This is nugget. She is in fact a very large nugget 😂🤍
Solena was born in April of this year & is the daughter of my beloved Valaria.
💜She is half PRE half Westphalian, and shares a dad with one of our other horses, which is pretty special. I could probably write a whole essay on ethical reasons to breed vs rescue horses, but I think the core of it comes down to a couple of things. She was bred from known bloodlines, to a conscious breeder who has bred many times. There are multiple contingency plans in place for her, ensuring she will have a home. She has a registry & is continuing a valuable {that’s another topic isn’t it?! 😅} & respected lines. Her owner put a lot of thought into her breeding, & has a plan for her, two very important things. Rescue is joy always the 100% answer we want it to be… like all things in life there is nuance to it. This particular filly will fill a lovely gap in her owners life, & will carry the legacy of hundreds of years of breeding & tradition 🤍 I’m always happy to chat about the nuances of these topics if anyone has more thoughts!
💜She belongs to my bonus mom, & has become a huge part of my heart. It’s an honor to get to watch all of the stages she will go through! I was even there when she was conceived.
💜One of the absolute best things to happen this year, & one of the things I’m most looking forward to in 2023… watching her grow & learn about the world around here 🥰🥰🥰

12/20/2022

“Be curious about where that thought comes from”
For the last couple of weeks I have been working with a Carolyn Costin coach, to help wrap up some of the remnants of my eating struggles. It has been incredibly helpful, and I would highly recommend the 8 Keys handbook and workbook.
One thing that my coach says to me when I present her with a thought or “belief” is “Where do you think that comes from? Can you be curious about WHY you think that?”
The mentality of curiosity has been really profound for me, and got me thinking about horsemanship (of course!)
Asking ourselves “why” a horse displays a behavior, or even “why” we feel compelled to ask them to do a something can be really eye opening! What is the root cause of our beliefs, our actions, our patterns?
As we begin to peel back the layers of our thinking and identify the why’s, through a sense of non-judgmental curiosity, we might be surprised what we find underneath. Whether it’s tradition, pain, or something else entirely, we can learn a lot using a sense of curiosity… at least I have.
Or as Beau would say, “I’m curious about this apple, and when I get to eat it!” 🍎 🍏

12/14/2022

🤍🤍🤍

12/13/2022

2 year transformation 🤍
The 3rd picture popped up on my phone recently as having been taken shortly after Beau came into my life.
I sent it to my trainer, saying “he doesn’t even look like the same horse to me!” & she responded that he looks “more at ease” these days.
I’ll be the first person to admit that the 2 years of owning him have NOT been ideal, with multiple moves & a LOT of changes.
But in the last 6 months he’s been in an incredibly stable place, where’s he’s turned out 24/7 with other horses. His physical issues seem to be almost completely taken care of {!!!!!}, & he lives a very peaceful life 🤍
Layer on top of that the fact that our relationship has been a consistent, {mostly 😅} copacetic one, & I do think he’s truly settling into himself.
It makes my heart so happy to see him stretched out snoozing with his buddy, & to know that he’s really unwinding. While we do have lots of performance/training goals, giving him a peaceful & happy life definitely feels like the most important thing these days 🤍🍃

12/09/2022

After taking some time off over the summer & reevaluating my goals & priorities… I’ve come to a few conclusions.
🤍 I adore horses. I always have, probably always will.
🤍 I adore the PEOPLE that come with horses even more
🤍 Our animals have the ability to affect our mental health, for better & for worse.
I want to share these stories, highlight the horses & humans who share lives together & help one another grow. To kick that off I spoke with .eq about her journey with riding anxiety. She was so lovely to chat with, & shared some wonderful ideas. You can listen to the full interview here: https://bit.ly/melissarose-eq

12/08/2022

A lifetime of horses 🤍
I am incredibly lucky, & have some absolutely wonderful mentors in my life {horsey & non horsey!}. They inspire me, keep me grounded, push me forward, & celebrate me.
🍃One of the biggest things I’ve been leaning into lately is actually using my community, both for accountability with my struggles & to hold space for my {often big} emotions.

🍄My trainer walked into the barn the other day & I was crying. She took Beau from me, got him settled, & listened while I vented. She didn’t critique or shame me, but let me express. It was SO cathartic, & has allowed me to let go of some of my stress.
🌼I’m firmly convinced that the best people in the world can be found in the barn. A lifetime of horses teaches you patience, kindness, & the ability to hold space like nothing else I’ve ever seen. 🌻

12/06/2022

Have a snack with me & beau 🍎🤍
If it’s been more than 4 hours since you last ate, if your blood sugar feels low, or you’re feeling hungry… here’s your reminder to honor that & get something to eat.
We wouldn’t deprive our horses of adequate nutrition… let’s take care of ourselves the same way 🙈🤍🥰

11/23/2022

When we interact or train our animals we often remind ourselves that all behaviors serve a purpose.

When my horse grinds his teeth, he is expressing some sort of discomfort or pain. I can choose to listen to this, & respond.

As we head into the holiday season where many of us are going to be put in unusual & potentially uncomfortable situations I want to remember that human behaviors can serve the same purpose.

Talking too loudly, food rituals, alcohol, and other seemingly “obnoxious” or destructive behaviors are serving a purpose.

Be it self-soothing, numbing, or otherwise, all of our mammals behaviors have a role in our life & recognizing that & meeting those unmet needs can go a long way towards co-regulation … & better family holidays 🎁

11/22/2022

I adore this... and everything Andrea does!!

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https://www.equineblooming.com/

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I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Wondering what the point of all of this is. The money. The pain. The stress. The fears. Horses are an all consuming passion… & often times it can feel like a bit much… especially when we compare ourselves to others. If I’m not competing, if I’m not “achieving” things… what is the point of it? . But the point, at least for me, is the joy of it. The best people in my life are horse people. The happiest times of my life, have been at the barn. My greatest joys, the most love I’ve ever felt.. has been because of the horses and the horse people in my life. They hold me up, they keep me going, & they give me purpose. . So here’s your reminder that it’s ok to do it for the love of the horse. That it’s ok to just ENJOY, to pause & take pictures of flowers & trail rides & “accomplish” nothing else. That maybe the best decision you ever made was to just show up at the barn, even when you didn’t feel like it. Because they are your home, your family, & you raison d’être, all in one ✨🤍

Do you believe in yourself? Do you allow yourself to be all that you can be, to live & breathe in alignment with what you actually want? It can be hard, to live up to the ideal we hold of ourselves in our minds. A lot of us equestrians fall into the category of being extremely goal-oriented, wanting to improve both for our own sake & our horses.. but sometimes improving isn’t what’s important. Sometimes it’s remembering the why, the love. Like pottering around on my beloved Valaria while her daughter, Solena, watches. Sometimes it’s the time, not the outcome that matters 🤍 more thoughts— bit.ly/selfsabotageev

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About the Herd

Hello, my name is Katie. I am a 22 year old female living in the Midwest. For as long as I can remember I have been hugely passionate about horses, a love that has grown with me. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, a disease that I am still battling. The number one thing that has helped to heal me and pull me out of this is the horses in my life, the love and acceptance they have always given me. As I’ve grown I have realized that my passion in life is helping others (both equine and human) to find their own healing.